


In the Lives of Children

by Horndog333



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anger, Angst, Child Abandonment, Developing Relationship, Episode 5x12, Episode Related, Fear, M/M, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-03-08 14:34:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3212684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horndog333/pseuds/Horndog333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Although Chin’s comment about them needing more sessions was made in jest; he was truthfully concerned about Steve and Danny’s argument about Grace and their recent case. I couldn't pass this episode without writing on it. There was so much going on in their cargument. This first chapter reads like a summary of the episode. In fact much of it is dialogue from this episode verbatim. I sat around and listened to the key scenes over and over until I got the dialogue. I did this because my writing focused on Steve and Danny's thoughts. While chapter two will also contain a lot of the original dialogue from the episode, it will diverge farther from canon as I write my take on it.  Steve and Danny's thoughts are written in italics. I do not own any part of the Hawaii Five-O series, characters, writers’ dialogue and plot. This is not meant to be plagiarism, but merely a part of my story.</p><p>Thanks to Simplyn2Deep for the quick beta!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chin sees Steve and Danny approaching the crime scene in a heated argument about Grace. “Are you still seeing that therapist,” Chin asks. “Looks like you could use a few more sessions.”Although Chin manages to pull off his comments as a joke, he is actually very concerned about his friends. Chin knows Danny’s unyielding dedication and love for Grace. The argument he is witnessing before him has the real possibility of escalating into a volatile situation the likes of which could break their relationship apart both professionally and personally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's update 7/11/2015
> 
> Before I wrote further chapters on this story, I decided to read for review, new ideas and continuity. It'd been so long since this episode aired that I felt that further information needed to be added and some small revisions needed to be made. While it doesn't change the chapter overall, the section where Danny rants at Steve and the section where the case of the episode has been mentioned has been altered. Not betaed. All mistakes in this revised version are entirely mine.
> 
> Author's update 9/8/2015  
> I finally completed revising this chapter. There isn't a huge difference in the storyline. As mentioned earlier, the change is primarily the addition of more facts about the episode and tweaking the rant that Danny had.

Steve would do anything for Grace; anything to support her. Most of the time, Steve would fill in, doing the things that Danny couldn't or wouldn't do. Running was apparently one of those things.

 

Steve had been working with Grace every morning for the past two weeks, preparing her to compete for the President's Physical Fitness Award. During that time, Steve would run a one-mile circuit with Grace around the neighborhood, pushing Grace to run a little faster each day.

 

A few days before the competition, Steve pulls out all the stops and tells Grace to sprint as far and fast as she can. As Grace crosses the street, she stops at the corner to bend, stretch and catch her breath.

 

Steve was following closely behind her, looking at the timer on his watch as he reached Grace. “That right there is what we call a 6.18 second mile. The President's Physical Fitness medal is in the bag!”

 

A sound of screeching tires catch both of their attention. They both turned in the direction of the sound in time to see a long black car going by.

 

“That looks like your car, Uncle Steve," Grace says.

 

“That’s because it is my car,” Steve answers.

 

Steve looks torn between wanting to chase after his car and staying with Grace. He stands there anxiously, fidgeting as he sees the car passing by. Pausing for a split second, he turns to Grace. He looks directly at her with his hand on her shoulder and a stern serious look on his face. “Listen. You don’t move from this spot, you don’t talk to anybody, you don’t move.”

 

“I won’t I promise,” Grace answers, “Go!"

 

Despite Steve’s fast running and taking short cuts to catch up to the car, he fails and the car speeds away. His cell phone has been ringing in his pocket throughout half the chase. As Steve answers the phone, Danny tells him they have a case and Steve reports his black Marquis’ has been stolen.

 

Steve places his fingers on the bridge of his nose. 'Oh God, Danno! He is going to be livid over this. I am in deep shit,' Steve thinks and dreads the thought of arriving at the crime scene to face Danny’s wrath.

 

___***___

 

Danny is muttering to himself as he sees Steve’s truck pull up behind him. It is clear just from looking at Danny’s body language that Steve is about to get the mother of all rants.

 

Danny pulls himself to his full height, giving the illusion that he was taller than the target of his impending rant. His stance is also stiff; balled up hands held tightly in front of him in an effort to keep his anger in check.

 

Danny marched over to Steve, his stormy blue eyes staring directly at Steve.

 

'Here goes. Brace yourself,'Steve thinks to himself as he stepped out of his truck.

 

Danny nearly pins Steve against his car door. He is crowding Steve, nearly toe-to-toe with him, and waving a pointed finger in his face. “Hey. Let me ask you a question, ‘kay? At what point did you think it was a good idea to leave my innocent twelve year old daughter alone on a deserted street by herself?” Danny growled.

 

Steve attempts to defuse his rant by deflecting. “Hey, good morning. How are you?” Steve says placing a hand on Danny’s shoulder and interrupting his rant.

 

Danny didn't let Steve distract or evade him. “No, no. Don’t do that. Answer the question,” Danny says with his right finger still waving in Steve’s face and his left hand grabbing Steve’s arm.

 

“Hey, it’s not like I left her in Kahala,” Steve whines defensively, denying any wrongdoing. “I only left her alone for about five minutes or less. You’re overreacting!"

 

'Jeez! Does he always have to react to everything so over the top when it comes to Grace,?'Steve thought as he pulled his arm from Danny's grasp and crossed them across his chest.

 

“I’m overreacting,'Danny shouts angrily; his hands chopping quickly and aggressively in the air to emphasize his point. "It's like deviants, nut jobs and psychopaths only do things in high crime neighborhoods,” Danny responds sarcastically.

 

'It’s fucking incredible. Is he really and truly that dense and oblivious to believe what he did was okay? How can he be so nonchalant and sarcastic?'Danny thought as he shook his head.

 

Perhaps, Danny had Steve pegged wrong. Maybe Steve didn’t care as much about Grace as Danny thought. Maybe, Danny couldn’t trust Steve to protect Grace. The ripples of doubt put a wrench in this ‘thing’ that was developing between them. Because if Steve doesn’t regard Grace’s safety as a priority then Danny can’t be with him.

 

Chin sees Steve and Danny approaching the crime scene in a heated argument about Grace. “Are you still seeing that therapist,” Chin asks. “Looks like you could use a few more sessions.”

 

Although Chin manages to pull off his comments as a joke, he is actually very concerned about his friends. Chin knows Danny’s unyielding dedication and love for Grace. The argument he is witnessing before him has the real possibility of escalating into a volatile situation the likes of which could break their relationship apart both professionally and personally.

 

He doesn’t know if it’s possible to contact the therapist working with Steve and Danny to give her a heads up, but he files it in his mind to decide when their present case is over.

 

When the case first begins with a prominent neurosurgeon was murdered point blank. Initially, the team believed that the perp wanted to prevent the neurosurgeon from performing life saving heart surgery on two Halawa inmates (one of which is Paul Delano). However, it morphs into something entirely different. Paul Delano survives his surgery at the hands of another doctor and returns to prison. In a bizarre turn of events, the teams finds out that the other inmate had made a surprising deathbed confession to the murdered doctor. He told her that he believed four of his friends (fellow inmates at an adolescent correctional facility) were murdered 40 years ago. This was the real reason why the perpetrator wanted the doctor dead; to prevent her from shedding light on an incident that occurred 40 years ago and had been covered up. The doctor's murderer, Fred Mackey was the warden at the facility. He murdered the four boys by locking them up to die a slow death and covered up the incident.

 

The case was shocking, grueling and disturbing when the team found the bodies of the four boys still shackled in handcuffs buried at what was once was the site of the solitary confinement area of the correctional facility. The slow tragic death involved Mackey locking them in a room used for isolated confinement with no windows during record high temperatures without food and water As a result, the boys succumbed to death due to dehydration,starvation and suffocating within the intense heat in the room. Finding out how they died and unearthing their remains still handcuffed deeply affected all of them.

 

With Danny not on speaking terms with him from the previous argument, Steve turns to Chin. He could see the pain in Steve’s eyes and the grim tight facial expression that made his lips into a thin line.

 

Steve looked at his friend and spoke quietly. “Those boys did not deserve to die as they did no matter what they did. They weren’t just 'the punk kids that nobody would miss and the world was better off for their absence,' as Mackey had said as he was taken away. They were kids who broke the law, but the cruelty…,” Steve’s glare was pained yet distant. “They could have been any of us had we made a decision for the worst. If I hadn’t gone to Annapolis when my dad sent Mary and me away, one of those boys could have been me. Almost no crime they committed could warrant a murder as brutal as to end the lives of these children,” Steve said quietly.

 

Chin has never heard Steve talk so much in all the time he’s known him, but Chin knew that for Steve all roads regarding his father sending him and Mary away led to pain and anguish. This case and the fate of these boys affected Steve very deeply and only Steve drew the connections between the boys and himself.

 

It was later no surprise that Steve treated the teenage boy who stole his car with leniency, giving him a second chance to fix what he did.

 

Later that afternoon, Chin called the therapist, explaining that he is part of Steve’s team and expressing his concern that Steve and Danny were arguing over Grace earlier in the day. Chin didn’t need to say another word. Dr. Harrison was well aware of the close relationship between Grace and her Danno, as well as Grace and her Uncle Steve from their past few visits to see the potential for serious problems unless they talk and work through whatever happened with Grace.

 

Dr. Harrison called them immediately insisting that they meet with her the next day. Steve and Danny were confused and curious. Things were still a bit awkward between them as unresolved and some unrelated issues had come up at the conclusion of their recent case. They had a brief strained conversation wondering what the hurry was to see them.

 

Steve tossed and turned all night alternating between nightmares and restless hours attempting to get comfortable. Danny lay next to him not fairing much better. Despite both of them not being able to sleep, they didn’t speak to one another.

 

Dr. Harrison was Steve and Danny’s therapist back in September when the governor sent both of them to counseling, feeling it a necessity for the good of his task force, Five-0, and to have an objective person outside HPD and IA to do their psych evaluations. While the Governor knew that Steve and Danny were vital members of his task force and trusted them to get the job done, he was concerned about their communication skills. The outcome of their evaluations was the determining factor that declared them fit for duty.

 

++++++++

****  
  


Despite the bickering, ranting and complaining that flowed out of Danny and Steve’s lack of listening and verbal skills, both of them agreed wholeheartedly that they were loyal, supportive and protective of each other and their “Ohana” – Chin, Kono, Lou, Kamekona, Max, Charlie, Grace. It was the familial bond of the Ohana that was the glue which held them all together, loving and respecting each other fiercely.

 

They concluded their first session with Steve saying, “We’re going to be fine.”

 

However, Dr. Harrison’s opinion did not agree with Steve. While she felt they were fit for duty, she thought they needed a few more sessions to clear up some areas of their ‘relationship’ and communication. The psych evaluation that she sent to the Governor stated that they were fit for duty under certain conditions; that they were to continue weekly sessions with her for two months. At that time, she could reevaluate them.

 

Dr. Harrison felt that Steve and Danny were very similar in the way they dodged their emotions, but avoided them in different ways. Danny circumvented his feelings with his rants. While a lot of his opinion and frustration was released through his rants, it was only a blustery smokescreen for what he was really feeling below the surface. At the center of Danny’s core was fear; especially fear of abandonment. When something or someone struck that core, Danny reverted to quiet anger and fear. Dr. Harrison saw what Steve meant when he said that a “Quiet Danny” was not a “Good Danny “or a “Happy Danny.” For anyone to encounter Danny quiet, it was a very scary and unnerving feeling.

When Steve avoided “feelings,” he would slip into his commanding role as a Navy SEAL. While the team benefited from his leadership, it was extremely difficult to get past the walls that he put up has Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett. Over the years, Steve built layer upon layer and the walls were built higher and higher until it was a fortress that most people found difficult to get through He was serious, stoic and swift. He was a perfect soldier and commanding officer. It wasn’t until the “Ohana” came along, patiently, lovingly; sometimes stern but gently, that some of the fortress gave way to the “real” Steve.

 

Once she got to know Steve and Danny a little better, she could see past all the barriers. Because what they failed to communicate in words and actions were expressed by the look of their eyes. Dr. Miranda Harrison saw right through them in their third session together. Steve would stare at Danny when he thought Danny wasn’t looking. Danny would do the same thing back. Once in a while, they would catch each other looking and both of them would blush or turn away sheepishly. It was during this session when Dr. Harrison asked the famous question, “How long have you two been married?” She laughed as both of them squirmed, wiggled and stuttered embarrassingly before Danny could tell some story to deflect from the question. It was Steve who finally caved under the scrutinous look that Doc gave them unyieldingly. He confessed to crossing over from a professional and platonic relationship to a more intimate and romantic relationship just before she had met with them for the first time.

 

Dr. Harrison had gotten to know Steve and Danny really well. Within their time together, she began referring to them on a first name basis instead of Commander McGarrett and Detective Williams. Steve and Danny had gotten fairly comfortable with her, too; well, as comfortable as the two of them could be with a therapist with whom they discussed “feelings.” Sometimes, they referred to her as “Doc.” Dr. Harrison knew that their communication wasn’t likely to ever flow freely, but they’d made enough progress to improve their communications with the team and some between the two of them as well. She finally signed off on them in November, welcoming them to come back anytime an issue should arise and wished them well.

 

+=+

 

Danny was very quiet on the way to Dr. Harrison’s office – eerily quiet. Steve knew a “quiet Danny” was not a “good Danny.” Even after all the years they worked together, become friends, “more than friends,” which then led them to this “thing “ (on the edges of love), Steve was most uncomfortable and a bit frightened when Danny was silent and still, but awake. He could almost hear the gears in Danny’s head, generating anger, fear and doomsday predictions (or as Steve referred to it as “the worst case scenario.”)

 

After about five minutes of complete silence, Steve couldn’t bear it any longer. “You look tired, Danny. Did you sleep well?” Steve asked fully knowing the answer. He felt the movement of the bed on Danny’s side and heard the sighs and deep breathing (not sleep breathing, but attempting to calm down breathing).

 

“No, Steven, I did not sleep well last night. As a matter of fact, I had a lot on my mind,” Danny answered curtly.

 

“Oh,” Steve answered nervously. 'Well, that went over well,' Steve thought sarcastically. 'With the ‘Steven’ and the lack of a rant. I’d better steer clear and give him a wide berth.'

 

“So why do you think Dr. Harrison wants to see us?And on a Friday afternoon of  all things? What could be so urgent that she can’t  to see us ‘til Monday? Steve asked and waited nervously, taking his right hand off the steering wheel and wiping the clammy sweat forming in the palm of his hand and doing the same with the other.

 

'Stupid ass! He really has no idea as to why I am angry. He knows I’m mad. That much I can tell, but he’s still tip toeing on eggshells. If he had an idea in that thick skull of his, he’d show some remorse and start talking – apologizing maybe,' Danny pursed his lips, closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

 

“Maybe someone’s noticed that I could use help prying your head open to see what’s going on,” Danny growled.

 

With that comment, Steve sat up stiff and silent for the rest of the ride; eyes directed straight ahead of him. They reach their destination and Danny quickly got of the car and slammed the door before Steve got in another word. Danny proceeded to march up the stairs, open the glass door holding it open behind him with just enough time for Steve to slip in and proceeded to Dr. Harrison’s office with Steve on his heels.

 

Danny opened the door to Dr. Harrison’s office and took a seat. Steve left one between them and sat down, staring into space with his thousand yard stare. The buzzer buzzed as they came in the door. Steve hoped she wouldn’t be long. He was fidgeting so grabbed a magazine from the table in front of him – “Sports Illustrated.” He stared at the open magazine pretending to read but just trying to calm his nerves and his guilt. Steve hadn’t seen Danny this angry in a very long, long time.

 

Dr. Harrison stepped out of her office.” Hi, Steve. Hi Danny. Come in,” she said calmly with a little bit of warmth and friendliness in her professional tone.

 

She noticed that Danny was seething in anger; the waves of it seeming to permeate the whole office while Steve walked in, nervous and bewildered, resembling a puppy dog that had just gotten a scolding. 'Oh my! This going to be interesting,' Dr. Harrison looked at them both and politely asked them to take a seat.

 

“I’m sure you are both wondering why you’re here and why the urgency.” Steve and Danny both answered with an affirmative nod.”Well, Detective Kelly contacted me yesterday concerned about a heated discussion between the two of you when you first arrived at the crime scene. He openly expressed that I might want to meet with you as soon as possible.”

 

“Hmmm…so that’s who ratted us out,” Danny tried to say it jokingly, but it sounded more accusatory.

 

'Huh. I would have never thought of Chin being the whistle blower. He’s blown off a lot of our arguments, but it must have looked and sounded pretty bad for Chin to deviate from his calm Zen self to be concerned about us.' He simmered down a bit, respecting Chin for his perceptiveness and thoughtfulness.

 

“O-kaay,” Steve replied tentatively as he cocked his head to the side. “Chin, huh? Why? It’s not like he’s never seen us argue.”

 

“Well, Detective Kelly did not go into a lot of detail, but did tell me that you were arguing about Grace and that he worried that she was a touchy subject to argue over,” Dr. Harrison explained. “What happened?”

 

Danny gave Steve a glare before addressing the doctor. “Well, it all started a couple of mornings ago when Steve took Grace running to prepare her for a school competition for the President's’ Physical Fitness Award. They had been training for two weeks. When they had finished their run, Steve and Grace stood on a street corner catching their breath. Grace recognized a car coming down the street. It was Steve’s Marquis - the classic black car that Steve and his father used to work on. Although Grace encouraged him to go after his car, it didn’t mean that this Neanderthal should have chased the car down the road leaving my precious 12 year old alone and abandoned on a street corner,” Danny paused, looking to Dr. Harrison to valid his story and acknowledge that Steve was wrong. Seeing that she did not catch on to his ploy, he then finished with his arms crossed in anger and glaring right at Steve’s eyes.

 

“So how did that make you feel, Danny?” Dr. Harrison did not miss Danny’s ploy to acknowledge that he was right. However, that was not her role. She was the neutral listener who didn’t judge anyone, listened to her patients speak and offer unbiased feedback when needed.

 

“How did it make me feel,” Danny repeated the question, continuing to glare at Steve. “It made me feel like, once again, Super SEAL had to go save the day - to save his ‘death trap of a car’ and not take care of my most valuable treasure, Grace. Steve acted impulsively as he usually does, running away without any regard neither for my daughter’s safety nor about the consequences.

 

Danny had thought about the cargument that they’d had that day. It was so much deeper than the words they said.

 

______________*****_______________

 

Flashback

 

“How bad’s the car,” Danny ventured to ask Steve after HPD recovered his car. He had felt a bit guilty about how he reacted earlier about Steve’s stolen car

 

“It’s bad,” Steve answered curtly.

 

Danny tilted his head frowned as if to say “hmmm...”. “On a scale of 1 to 10,” Danny asked. He meant to sound concerned, but it came out sounding uncaring and trivial.

 

“Don’t do this,” Steve warned.

 

“Whaat am I doing,” Danny asked him as he wondered what in the heck warranted this serious warning.

 

“Don’t trivialize my suffering,” Steve responded tight lipped, serious and angrier.

 

“Whaaaa…daaah,” Danny snarked. “I’m just gauging the damage to that piece of that junk car of yours.” Danny came off sounding like an ass.

 

“You just did it again. You just did it again,” Steve accused.

 

Danny noted that Steve really seemed worked up over the car. 'Okay, so it was his dad’s car, but really ‘don’t trivialize my pain?’ This comes out from a guy who doesn’t feel pain unless you’ve shot and beat him six ways to Sunday.'

 

Danny moved on to another subject, but it was just as volatile. “Alright, let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about something that you’re more familiar with like Child Endangerment.”

 

'Let’s see what he has to say to that! It’s just that he was pissing me off with his drama over the car. Talk about over the top.

 

“Okay. I wouldn’t have left your daughter if you had been doing your job as a father how about that,” Steve countered.

 

“Wow! Okay, I don’t like to run, alright?” Danny was taken aback by Steve’s comment. 'Ouch! That hurt. If I was doing my job as a father...does he really mean that? He knows how much time I spend worrying about being a good father. It’s like he’s going in for the kill. Is his car really worth pulling out this card?'

 

“Who doesn’t like to run,” Steve questioned, taunting him.

 

“I said I don’t like to run,” Danny answered with finality.

 

__________________*****_________________

 

“Danny? Danny,” Dr. Harrison tried to get his attention. She noticed that Danny drifted away in thought. Danny came back to focus right at her. “You were saying that Steve was impulsive,” She reminded Danny where he was in his conversation.

 

“Yeah. Um Steve acted impulsively disregarding my daughter’s safety. He doesn’t stop to think about the consequences; that I can’t trust him if he abandoned Grace as he had. I thought that she was worth so much more to him than that piece of junk car of his.”

 

Steve’s face expressed a combination of justifiable anger (smug even), annoyance and defensiveness, but his eyes expressed hurt and fear, “I told Danny that I only left her for less than five minutes and Gracie even encouraged me to go after my car,” Steve responded defensively, “Gracie was fine, Danno. Nothing happened.” Steve tried to convince Danny, but even his own voice sounded uncertain.

 

“Do you even hear yourself, Steve? Danny answered sarcastically. “Grace allowed you to chase the car. My twelve year old daughter gave you permission.”

 

'He never ceases to amaze me; how much of a petulant child he can be; to what incredible lengths he’ll go to be right.' Danny thought bitterly.

 

“Even for you, that is insane thinking,” Danny commented angrily and quietly. “Let’s consider Grace’s reasoning in ‘encouraging you’ to go,” Danny continued speaking to emphasize his point. “One, she would do anything for you – her ‘Uncle Steve'. Two, most teenagers believe that they are invincible; that nothing will happen. Gracie isn’t that naive with what she’s been through, which brings me to three. Did you forget what’s happened to Grace in the past four years; the carjacking she went through with Rachel, her kidnapping at the hands of Rick Peterson, even the time at the Kukui High football game where I had to leave Grace with strangers and I nearly got Grace taken away from me? Even your abductions count in this. Do you remember how quickly things can happen? How quickly people can disappear? How quickly things can change for the worst,” Danny was sinking into his unfathomable depression.

 

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about what Gracie’s been through. I guess I could have just called it in and stayed with her,” Steve responded and he added guilt to the list of expressions on his face during this session. “But, Danny, did you stop to think about. what that car means to me; what it represents. It’s not just a car; it represents the only thing that I have left of my Dad. The last remaining symbol of what Dad and I did together. My dad’s gone, but the car isn’t. I think I owe it to my dad to take care of and repair the car in his memory.”

 

Dr. Harrison looked up at her clock to see that their time was up. “You two did a lot of good work digging up your feelings. I’m sure that after this session what we discussed today will continue to bring up more feelings. For now, I’d like to go back to seeing you once a week to help you through all that was brought up here today not to mention the fact that we hadn’t even discuss your last case. It may be a difficult weekend for both of you. How about we meet on Monday if you don’t get a case?"

 

Both Steve and Danny nodded in agreement.

 

While Danny conceded in victory that Steve apologized for leaving Grace, he still didn’t feel right, especially after Steve reminded him about the symbolism and sentimentality toward that car. He’d kind of forgotten about the Marquis, but he did remember when Steve was abducted by Wo Fat. How the mixture of powerful drugs had Steve believing that his dad was still alive. That car probably means even more to him now that it’s as if he’s lost his dad again. Still, Danny was dizzy with all the feelings that were expressed during this session not to mention the internal conversations. It had Danny feeling leery about heading home to Steve. There was so much to process. It was going to be a long weekend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny return to therapy. Heavy feelings are expressed by both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. This is going to be longer than I thought. There will be another chapter at least.
> 
> Thanks Simplyn2deep for the quick beta and feedback.
> 
> Author update #2 -some more tweaking of a few words re: therapist recognizing Steve and Danno's personal relationship was intimate. No more attempts at perfection since I'd like to get on with Chapter 9 and do whatever it takes to wrap up this story.

Dr. Harrison was Steve and Danny’s therapist back in September when the governor sent both of them to counseling, feeling it was necessity for the good of his task force, Five-0, and to have an objective person outside HPD and IA to do their psych evaluations. While the Governor knew that Steve and Danny were vital members of his task force and he trusted them to get the job done, he was concerned about their communication skills. The outcome of their evaluations was the determining factor that declared them fit for duty.

 

Despite the bickering, ranting and complaining that flowed out of Danny and Steve’s lack of listening and verbal skills, both of them agreed wholeheartedly that they were loyal, supportive and protective of each other and their “Ohana” – Chin, Kono, Lou, Kamekona, Max, Charlie, Grace. It was the familial bond of the Ohana that was the glue which held them all together, loving and respecting each other fiercely.

 

They concluded their first session with Steve saying, “We’re going to be fine.”

 

However, Dr. Harrison’s opinion did not agree with Steve. While she felt they were fit for duty, she thought they needed a few more sessions to clear up some areas of their ‘relationship’ and communication. The psych evaluation that she sent to the Governor stated that they were fit for duty under certain parameters; that they were to continue weekly sessions with her for two months. At that time, she could reevaluate them.

 

Dr. Harrison felt that Steve and Danny were very similar in the way they dodged their emotions, but avoided them in different ways. Danny circumvented his feelings with his rants. While a lot of his opinion and frustration was released through his rants, it was only a blustery smokescreen for what he was really feeling below the surface. At the center of Danny’s core was fear; especially fear of abandonment. When something or someone struck that core, Danny reverted to quiet anger and fear. Dr. Harrison saw what Steve meant when he said that a “Quiet Danny” was not a “Good Danny “or a “Happy Danny.” For anyone to encounter Danny quiet, it was a very scary and unnerving feeling.

When Steve avoided “feelings,” he would slip into his commanding role as a Navy SEAL. While the team benefited from his leadership, it was extremely difficult to get past the walls that he put up has Lieutenant Commander Steven J. McGarrett. Over the years, Steve built layer upon layer and the walls were built higher and higher until it was a fortress that most people found difficult to get through He was serious, stoic and swift. He was a perfect soldier and commanding officer. It wasn’t until the “Ohana” came along, patiently, lovingly; sometimes stern but gently, that some of the fortress gave way to the “real” Steve.

 

Once she got to know Steve and Danny a little better, she could see past all the barriers. Because what they failed to communicate in words and actions were expressed by the look of their eyes. Dr. Miranda Harrison saw right through them in their third session together. Steve would stare at Danny when he thought Danny wasn’t looking. Danny would do the same thing back. Once in a while, they would catch each other looking and both of them would blush or turn away sheepishly. It was during this session when Dr. Harrison asked the famous question, “How long have you two been married?” She laughed as both of them squirmed, wiggled and stuttered embarrassingly before Danny would tell some story to deflect from the question. It was Steve who finally caved under the scrutinous look that Doc gave them unyieldingly. He confessed to crossing over from a professional and plutonic relationship to a more intimate and romantic relationship just before she had met with them for the first time. 

 

Dr. Harrison had gotten to know Steve and Danny really well. Within their time together, she began referring to them on a first name basis instead of Commander McGarrett and Detective Williams. Steve and Danny had gotten fairly comfortable with her, too; well, as comfortable as the two of them could be with a therapist with whom they discussed “feelings.” Sometimes, they referred to her as “Doc.” Dr. Harrison knew that their communication wasn’t likely to ever flow freely, but they’d made enough progress to improve their communications with the team and some between the two of them as well. She finally signed off on them in November, welcoming them to come back anytime an issue should arise and wished them well.

 

+=+

 

Danny was very quiet on the way to Dr. Harrison’s office – eerily quiet. Steve knew a “quiet Danny” was not a “good Danny.” Even after all the years they worked together, become friends, “more than friends,” which then led them to this “thing “ (on the edges of love), Steve was most uncomfortable and a bit frightened when Danny was silent and still, but awake. He could almost hear the gears in Danny’s head, generating anger, fear and doomsday predictions (or as Steve referred to it as “the worst case scenario.”)

 

After about five minutes of complete silence, Steve couldn’t bear it any longer. “You look tired, Danny. Did you sleep well?” Steve asked fully knowing the answer. He felt the movement of the bed on Danny’s side and heard the sighs and deep breathing (not sleep breathing, but attempting to calm down breathing).

 

“No, Steven, I did not sleep well last night. As a matter of fact, I had a lot on my mind,” Danny answered curtly.

 

“Oh,” Steve answered nervously. ' _Well, that went over well,'_ Steve thought sarcastically. _'With the ‘Steven’ and the lack of a rant. I’d better steer clear and give him a wide berth.'_

 

“So why do you think Dr. Harrison wants to see us? Why so urgently?” Steve asked and waited nervously, taking his right hand off the steering wheel and wiping the clammy sweat forming in the palm of his hand and doing the same with the other.

 

 _'Stupid ass! He really has no idea as to why I am angry. He knows I’m mad. That much I can tell, but he’s still tip toeing on eggshells. If he had an idea in that thick skull of his, he’d show some remorse and start talking – apologizing maybe,'_ Danny pursed his lips, closed his eyes, took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.

 

“Maybe someone’s noticed that I could use help prying your head open to see what’s going on,” Danny growled.

 

With that comment, Steve sat up stiff and silent for the rest of the ride; eyes directed straight ahead of him. They reach their destination and Danny quickly got of the car and slammed the door before Steve got in another word. Danny proceeded to march up the stairs, open the glass door holding it open behind him with just enough time for Steve to slip in and proceeded to Dr. Harrison’s office with Steve on his heels.

 

Danny opened the door to Dr. Harrison’s office and took a seat. Steve left one between them and sat down, staring into space with his thousand yard stare. The buzzer buzzed as they came in the door. Steve hoped she wouldn’t be long. He was fidgeting so grabbed a magazine from the table in front of him – “Sports Illustrated.” He stared at the open magazine pretending to read but just trying to calm his nerves and his guilt. Steve hadn’t seen Danny this angry in a very long, long time.

 

Dr. Harrison stepped out of her office.” Hi, Steve. Hi Danny. Come in,” she said calmly with a little bit of warmth and friendliness in her professional tone.

 

She noticed that Danny was seething in anger; the waves of it seeming to permeate the whole office while Steve walked in, nervous and bewildered, resembling a puppy dog that had just gotten a scolding. ' _Oh my! This going to be interesting,'_ Dr. Harrison looked at them both and politely asked them to take a seat.

 

“I’m sure you are both wondering why you’re here and why the urgency.” Steve and Danny both answered with an affirmative nod.”Well, Detective Kelly contacted me yesterday concerned about a heated discussion between the two of you when you first arrived at the crime scene. He openly expressed that I might want to meet with you as soon as possible.”

 

“Hmmm…so that’s who ratted us out,” Danny tried to say it jokingly, but it sounded more accusatory.

 

 _'Huh. I would have never thought of Chin being the whistle blower. He’s blown off a lot of our arguments, but it must have looked and sounded pretty bad for Chin to deviate from his calm Zen self to be concerned about us.'_ He simmered down a bit, respecting Chin for his perceptiveness and thoughtfulness.

 

“O-kaay,” Steve replied tentatively as he cocked his head to the side. “Chin, huh? Why? It’s not like he’s never seen us argue.”

 

“Well, Detective Kelly did not go into a lot of detail, but did tell me that you were arguing about Grace and that he worried that she was a touchy subject to argue over,” Dr. Harrison explained. “What happened?”

 

Danny gave Steve a glare before addressing the doctor. “Well, it all started a couple of mornings ago when Steve took Grace running to prepare her for a school competition for the Presidents’ Physical Fitness Award. They had been training for two weeks. When they had finished their run, Steve and Grace stood on a street corner catching their breath. Grace recognized a car coming down the street. It was Steve’s Marquis - the classic black car that Steve and his father used to work on. Although Grace encouraged him to go after his car, it didn’t mean that this Neanderthal should have chased the car down the road leaving my precious 12 year old alone and abandoned on a street corner,” Danny paused, looking to Dr. Harrison to valid his story and acknowledge that Steve was wrong. Seeing that she did not catch on to his ploy, he then finished with his arms crossed in anger and glaring right at Steve’s eyes.

 

“So how did that make you feel, Danny?” Dr. Harrison did not miss Danny’s ploy to acknowledge that he was right. However, that was not her role. She was the neutral listener who didn’t judge anyone, listened to her patients speak and offer unbiased feedback when needed.

 

“How did it make me feel,” Danny repeated the question, continuing to glare at Steve. “It made me feel like, once again, Super SEAL had to go save the day - to save his ‘death trap of a car’ and not take care of my most valuable treasure, Grace. Steve acted impulsively as he usually does, running away without any regard neither for my daughter’s safety nor about the consequences.

 

Danny had thought about the cargument that they’d had that day. It was so much deeper than the words they said.

_______________*****________________

**__ **

**_ Flashback _ **

 

“How bad’s the car,” Danny ventured to ask Steve after HPD recovered his car. He had felt a bit guilty about how he reacted earlier about Steve’s stolen car

 

“It’s bad,” Steve answered curtly.

 

Danny tilted his head frowned as if to say “hmmm...”. “On a scale of 1 to 10,” Danny asked. He meant to sound concerned, but it came out sounding uncaring and trivial.

 

“Don’t do this,” Steve warned.

 

“Whaat am I doing,” Danny asked him as he wondered what in the heck warranted this serious warning.

 

“Don’t trivialize my suffering,” Steve responded tight lipped, serious and angrier.

 

“Whaaaa…daaah,” Danny snarked. “I’m just gauging the damage to that piece of that junk car of yours.” Danny came off sounding like an ass.

 

“You just did it again. You just did it again,” Steve accused.

 

Danny noted that Steve really seemed worked up over the car. ' _Okay, so it was his dad’s car, but really ‘don’t trivialize my pain?’ This comes out from a guy who doesn’t feel pain unless you’ve shot and beat him six ways to Sunday.'_

 

Danny moved on to another subject, but it was just as volatile. “Alright, let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about something that you’re more familiar with like Child Endangerment.”

 

' _Let’s see what he has to say to that! It’s just that he was pissing me off with his drama over the car. Talk about over the top._

 

“Okay. I wouldn’t have left your daughter if you had been doing your job as a father how about that,” Steve countered.

 

 _“_ Wow! Okay, I don’t like to run, alright?” Danny was taken aback by Steve’s comment. ' _Ouch! That hurt. If I was doing my job as a father...does he really mean that? He knows how much time I spend worrying about being a good father. It’s like he’s going in for the kill. Is his car really worth pulling out this card?'_

 

“Who doesn’t like to run,” Steve questioned, taunting him.

 

“I said I don’t like to run,” Danny answered with finality.

 

__________________*****_________________

 

“Danny? Danny,” Dr. Harrison tried to get his attention. She noticed that Danny drifted away in thought. Danny came back to focus right at her. “You were saying that Steve was impulsive,” She reminded Danny where he was in his conversation.

 

“Yeah. Um Steve acted impulsively disregarding my daughter’s safety. He doesn’t stop to think about the consequences; that I can’t trust him if he abandoned Grace as he had. I thought that she was worth so much more to him than that piece of junk car of his.”

 

Steve’s face expressed a combination of justifiable anger (smug even), annoyance and defensiveness, but his eyes expressed hurt and fear, “I _told_ Danny that I only left her for less than five minutes and Gracie even encouraged me to go after my car,” Steve responded defensively, “Gracie was fine, Danno. Nothing happened.” Steve tried to convince Danny, but even his own voice sounded uncertain.

 

“Do you even hear yourself, Steve? Danny answered sarcastically. “Grace **allowed** you to chase the car. My twelve year old daughter **gave** you permission.”

 

' _He never ceases to amaze me; how much of a petulant child he can be; to what incredible lengths he’ll go to be right_.' Danny thought bitterly.

 

“Even for you, that is insane thinking,” Danny commented angrily and quietly. “Let’s consider Grace’s reasoning in ‘encouraging you’ to go,” Danny continued speaking to emphasize his point. “One, she would do anything for you – her ‘Uncle Steve'. Two, most teenagers believe that they are invincible; that nothing will happen. Gracie isn’t that naive with what she’s been through, which brings me to three. Did you forget what’s happened to Grace in the past four years; the carjacking she went through with Rachel, her kidnapping at the hands of Rick Peterson, even the time at the Kukui High football game where I had to leave Grace with strangers and I nearly got Grace taken away from me? Even your abductions count in this. Do you remember how quickly things can happen? How quickly people can disappear? How quickly things can change for the worst,” Danny was sinking into his unfathomable depression.

 

“Yeah, I guess I didn’t think about what Gracie’s been through. I guess I could have just called it in and stayed with her,” Steve responded and he added guilt to the list of expressions on his face during this session. “But, Danny, did you stop to think about. what that car _means_ to me; what it represents. It’s not just a car; it represents the only thing that I have left of my Dad. The last remaining symbol of what Dad and I did together. My dad’s gone, but the car isn’t. I think I owe it to my dad to take care of and repair the car in his memory.”

 

Dr. Harrison looked up at her clock to see that their time was up. “You two did a lot of good work digging up your feelings. I’m sure that after this session what we discussed today will continue to bring up more feelings. For now, I’d like to go back to seeing you once a week to help you through all that was brought up here today not to mention the fact that we hadn’t even discuss your last case. It may be a difficult weekend for both of you. How about we meet on Monday if you don’t get a case?"

 

Both Steve and Danny nodded in agreement.

 

While Danny conceded in victory that Steve apologized for leaving Grace, he still didn’t feel right, especially after Steve reminded him about the symbolism and sentimentality toward that car. He’d kind of forgotten about the Marquis, but he did remember when Steve was abducted by Wo Fat. How the mixture of powerful drugs had Steve believing that his dad was still alive. That car probably means even more to him now that it’s as if he’s lost his dad again. Still, Danny was dizzy with all the feelings that were expressed during this session not to mention the internal conversations. It had Danny feeling leery about heading home to Steve. There was so much to process. It was going to be a long weekend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get homework from their therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my wonderful beta, Simplyn2deep for proofing and revising my work to improve it. Also, thanks for picking up on the error I had leaving one of your editing comments when posting. Any last minute changes after her editing are solely my mistakes. My writing is definitely taking on a lot of angst and some dark moments. I will probably add more tags in a couple of chapters. Writers always talk about where their muses or plot bunnies are taking them. I think, as usual, mine are chatting and taking a long way through the woods. It will probably be another three chapters at least. Thanks for reading. Comments are always welcome.

They had just made their way to the exit when Danny’s cell phone rang. Danny glanced at the caller I.D. where Miranda Harrison Cell flashed at him. Danny scrunched his eyebrows and puckered his lips. _'_ _What does she want NOW?! Hasn’t she dragged us through enough shit for one day? How is this my life?'_ “Hi, Doc, miss us already?” Danny tried for light and humorous, but failed sounding more irritated and tired.

 

Steve looked at Danny with a slight grin when he saw Danny’s face all puckered up. _‘I may have a face, but **you,** my friend, have a tone. Danno’s tone sounds like his ‘what the fuck do you want now, Rachel?’ tone, but slightly warmer in an attempt to be cordial to our therapist. By the way, what does she want with us now?'_

“Danny, I’m glad I caught you,” Dr. Harrison said warmly. “I had forgotten to mention something at the end of our session. Is Steve with you?”

 

Danny looked up at Steve and a matching small grin graced Danny’s face, causing his blue eyes to twinkle for a brief moment. _'Yup, Just as I figured. There is his famous ‘Aneurysm Face.’'_ “Yeah, he’s right here. Should I put you on speaker?”

 

“That would be great, Danny,” Dr. Harrison smiled. When they left the office, she had an afterthought that she just had to share with them. _'_ _Here we go. This won’t go over well, but they sure need it.'_ “Are you both on speaker,” Dr. Harrison asked. Steve and Danny confirmed that they were. “Anyhow,” she continued, “I had forgotten to give you a writing exercise I’d like each of you to work on individually. Consider it homework, I guess. As I said before, I know that you did a lot of hard work in my office today, but I’ve found with many of my patients that writing helps them solidify and organize their thoughts. In addition, sometimes thoughts or feelings come up while they are writing that they were unable to express for whatever reason. Do either of you have something to write on?”

 

Steve produced a slip of paper and a pen from one of the many pockets of his cargo pants. He turned to face Danny, shrugging his shoulders in an irritated and confused fashion before continuing, “Okay, Doc, I’m ready. Shoot,” Steve answered.

 

“Over the next few days, I’d like both of you to write about five things or people that you treasure – care strongly about. List who or what it is, why it/he/she is important to you and if they represent or symbolize something. You can write about someone or something that you brought up in our session today, but this is not an exercise in repetition. It doesn’t need to be long. Bullet points are fine so long as the ‘why’ questions are clearly answered. We will discuss it at your next session. Did you get all of it, Steve? Do either of you have any questions?”

 

“Yeah, I got it,” grumbled Steve all attempts at politeness and pleasantries absent from his voice. “Danny, how about you," Steve asked as he turned to look at Danny. “You have any questions?”

 

“No. No questions,” Danny answered in a tired irritated voice.

 

“Good. Then, I’ll see you both on Monday,” Dr. Harrison said.

 

Danny marched towards the Camaro. “As if meeting with her and hashing things out wasn’t enough! A weekend of homework? You’ve got to be kidding me! What are we? Ten? And your writing assignment for this weekend is to write about ‘feelings _._ ’ For once, I’d rather be shot at,” Danny ranted out loud not really directing it at Steve, but venting to vent.

 

Steve followed Danny to the car. He didn’t dare say anything. Danny finished his rant just as he climbed into the passenger seat. After that, Danny was silent, staring straight ahead. Steve thought Danny looked like he was deep in thought. As before, Danny’s silence was deafening. After Steve had driven a couple of miles, he broke the silence first. Looking briefly at Danny’s face, Steve spoke barely above a whispe **r.** “I’ll call Chin and Kono and tell them to head out early. I’m not really in the mood to head back to work.”

 

Danny could hear the guilt and fear in Steve’s voice. He hated to hear it sound that way because deep down inside, Danny was still deeply in love with Steve and hated it when he suffered. He knew Steve had been through so much, especially just in the last few months. Nonetheless, their therapy session and assignment stirred Danny up with so many emotions that he needed some space to process, sort things out and give the assignment his utmost attention. As much as he hated to do this and knew Steve would take it really badly, Danny spoke up and expressed his needs. “Hey. I think I need some time and space alone this weekend to process everything we spoke about in Dr. Harrison’s office and take the time to do my ‘homework.’ “Once we get to your house, I need to head back home.” Steve turned to take a quick look at Danny and nodded silently. Danny didn’t have a name for the face Steve gave him. Danny saw fear, vulnerability and desperation. Danny couldn’t look at Steve a second longer and returned to looking straight ahead.

 

Steve didn’t miss the fact that Danny had referred to his house as **your** house and Danny’s nearly empty house as **home.** Steve felt as if he took a punch to the stomach and his heart sank, Little by little over the past month, Danny had brought most of his stuff over to Steve’s place. Neither of them talked formally about moving in together. It just sort of happened.

 

Whether it was intentional or not, Danny started to call Steve’s house – “home.” That’s when Steve realized that this **thing** they had was moving forward quickly and the word, relationship, started to take shape in Steve’s mind. ' _So, Danno, is this the beginning of the end? Have I ruined things to the point of no return? How long will be separated? When are you coming back? Are you coming back? I can’t return to just being friends or co-workers. There’s too much that’s happened between us now. I love you, Danny. Please don’t leave me.'_

 

Before long, Steve pulled into his driveway. Danny got out first and walked around to the driver’s side as Steve got out. Neither of them could look each other in the eye. Danny gave Steve a tight hug. “I just need time and space, Babe, that’s all. This is not over.” Steve returned the hug so tightly that Danny wasn’t sure he was going to let him go. Giving him a chaste kiss on the lips, Danny climbed into the drivers’ seat unable to look at Steve’s face. “So, umm, I’ll see ya later?”

 

“Yeah, later, Danny,” Steve turned and walked to the door. Once he got there, he leaned back against the front door watching Danny drive away. He went into the house.

 

Danny watched Steve leaning on the front door, looking so sad and lost. Danny’s heart hurt as a bit of it crumbled. He hadn’t noticed that his eyes were wet with tears. Despite Danny trying to provide some comfort and assurance to Steve, the whole situation hugging Steve seemed so awkward, so abrupt almost final.

 

_'Shit. What have I done? I went too far. I thought we’d be good as soon as he admitted he was wrong. Instead, I’ve turned this into a clusterfuck of epic proportions. I just had to ruin it, huh? I couldn’t just talk it through and get past it. No, I decided to hit the point home. I feel like I ran him into the ground. I don’t know if we can get past this. What if I lose him now? What if I’ve lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me? Did I have to be such an asshole? Steve, wait for me. Babe, please hold on and wait for me.'_

 

When Danny arrived at his house, he suddenly felt a strong need to escape. It dawned on him that without Steve the house was too dark and too quiet. As Danny walked into the kitchen to get a water bottle and energy bar, he spotted a pink composition book. He knew it was Grace’s and thumbed through it to see if it had been written in. Luckily, it was blank. He took the book, a pen and his snack and headed back to the car. He knew the perfect thinking spot – the outlook point that he found when he first arrived in Hawaii and where he took Grace when he decided to fight to keep Grace in Hawaii instead of heading to Las Vegas. It was ironic that he couldn’t sleep with the sound of the waves so long ago and now his thinking place was a point with a beautiful view of the ocean, the sound of breaking waves and a light taste of salt in the air. It wasn’t far from his house and just far enough to escape.

 

Meanwhile, Steve grabbed a banana and went in search of something to write on. As he checked in his desk, he found a pad of yellow legal-sized paper and a pen. Despite the fact that it was way too quiet and empty, Steve still needed the comfort of some place familiar. He sat in his Adirondack chair, staring at the empty chair beside him that was a tangible reminder of Danny’s absence. Still the familiar chair and his private beach gave him the comfort and safety needed for him to look inward and pull out the feelings. He curled up in the chair with his right leg folded under him and the left leg in front of him with his foot firmly planted in the sand. He turned and leaned over to the right where the small table stood between the chairs. He placed his legal pad there, staring at a blank page and contemplating his homework before putting his pen to paper.

 

=+=+=

 

Danny found the perfect bench facing the vast ocean view and close enough to the stone wall to prop his feet up. He held the composition book in one hand and propped the book on his lap. Danny stared out at the ocean, betting that Steve was, too. If Danny had to guess, he figured that Steve was out there, sitting on his chair and watching the tide roll in.

 

 _'I may as well get this over with; the sooner the better.'_ Frowning down at the page, he began to write:

  * _I treasure Grace_


    * _She is the center of my life. She lights up my world and loves me unconditionally. She gives my life purpose and meaning._


    * _She symbolizes the one right thing, the one great thing that Rachel and I created in our marriage. Living proof that Rachel and I did love each other to create such a beautiful child. Looking back on my relationship with Rachel, I suspect that Grace was the glue that kept us together a little longer. We tried to make it work for her sake, but it wasn’t to be. She represented the one thing that I had and created that wasn’t screwed up and has never left me. Grace also symbolizes optimism, strength and hope._



 

  * _I treasure and love Steve with my whole being._


    * _No matter what he holds on and protects me in all situations. Despite the fact that I am a fearful person who carries so much emotional baggage, he sees me with loving caring eyes, accepts me and loves me unconditionally. I can truly be myself and he hasn’t left (yet). He is willing to do anything to ensure my safety and my happiness. He is fiercely loyal. He loves Grace unconditionally and was dedicated to her safety and happiness (except for this situation). This is why and I am so torn, angry and hurt that he failed to stay and keep my Monkey safe when he loves her almost as much as I do. That given the choice between the most treasured person in my life and his broken down car, he chose the car over her. I felt betrayed that he didn’t choose Grace first. In anger, I felt that I can’t trust him that he doesn’t love or care for me because he felt that car was worth more to save than keep Grace safe. I fear that I don’t know his heart as well as I thought I did. I feel conflicted because I love both Grace and Steve so very much. This is the first time where Steve and I didn’t react in the same way when it came to Grace. I don’t know what to do with the anger and the lack of trust that this one situation made me feel. I feel as if I need to choose between them. On the other hand though, he is very heartfelt and emotional when it comes to that car. He treasures it not because it is a hunk of metal, but it reminds him of good times and bonding with his dad and that it is one of the few remaining things that represent his father. Has he ever failed Grace before? No. If it weren’t for the fierce sentimentality and symbolism that this car represents, I still feel that he would do anything possible to make her happy and keep her safe. Even Grace felt safe enough to tell him to go after his car despite all that she’s been though. She loves and trusts him that much. She knows that there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her. So why do I waste all this time and energy? I love them both so much and can’t help but feel pressured to choose between them because of my bottomless fear of anything happening to Grace. If Grace isn’t angry, scared or judgmental of her Uncle Steve, why should I be? There is a part of me that is fearful of the ‘worst case scenario’ and that fear runs very, very deep. Steve once acknowledged that that was a real screwed up way to live and that I had to change that I had to work on baby steps to see and make the positive or good happen. He even continued to put aside his feelings for me and told me that if we got out of the collapsed parking lot that I should hold her close. Knowing what I know now, that he’s held back his feelings for me to take those baby steps toward Amber. Despite all the times he’s put me first, I’m judging him for one situation. Perhaps it’s just my fear taking this situation too far. I would probably choose Grace over Steve, but would go back to feeling absolutely miserable when Grace left._


    * _Steve symbolizes balance, completeness, love and loyalty. When I wrote that I’d probably choose Grace over Steve, it really isn’t possible. It’s like saying I’ll choose keeping my right hand, but not my left. I need them both and especially Steve’s love to feel balanced, complete and confident in my own skin._



 

 _'Huh. I didn’t realize that there was so much shit floating in my brain. I guess I do love and trust him. I have nothing to fear but fear itself. My brain must be a miserable place.'_ Danny chuckled despite himself. Though he hadn’t processed everything, things looked a little clearer and calmer.

Danny pulled out his cell phone to text a message. **_Hey. TOY. Doing HW. How bout u?_**

 

Steve’s cell phone buzzed with a text message. It had been several hours since he had seen Danny. He opened the text and smiled wide. Even through the text message, Steve could tell that Danny was thawing out a bit since he last saw him. **_Learning frm HW. Miss you. Wen u comng bk?_**

****

Steve’s text tugged at Danny’s heart strings, but Danny knew that he needed more time and that he had just skimmed the surface. **_Miss U 2. Don’t know wen yet. Need more time. Keep my chair warm._**

****

Steve frowned, but Danny’s response was pretty much what he figured. Even Steve had to admit that a lot came up during the session. Steve was more lonely than mad. Danny knew him so well. Of course, he would figure out where Steve was. Steve took a quick break and went inside for some more water and cut himself a couple of wedges of mango. Although he’d much rather have a beer than another bottle of water, he thought it’d be better to keep his head clear. He washed his hands and took a detour through the living room to grab Danny’s favorite blanket off the couch.

 

Steve threw the blanket on the seat of Danny’s chair. **_Danno, threw your fav blanket on ur chair to keep it warm._**

****

**_Thx Babe._ **

 

Steve went back to his writing assignment and read over what he had so far:

  * _I loved my Dad_


    * _He was my hero. Someone I aspired to be like when I grew up. Then, my Mom’s death happened. I was resentful that when she died, he was completely focused on his job not us when we needed him the most. Then, he sent Mary and me away because I assumed that we were too much to handle or he didn’t love us anymore. The anger I felt kept me from seeing him and keeping in touch. After all, an officer’s life in the Navy and lieutenant commander of various SEAL teams kept him too busy to remain in contact with both Dad and Mary. The Navy was my excuse to abandon my family. So there were a few phone calls from Mary when she was in trouble and needing help and a rare occasion when I would visit Dad. Because my father held in his emotions and was stoic and stubborn (much like I was when I first came home) he was never able to really explain why he sent us away, why we were in danger and how much he loved and missed us until it was too late. It was the capturing Anton Hesse and Victor Hesse somewhere on the island that brought me home to Hawaii. Just shortly before being killed, he finally admitted that he loved me and didn’t say it enough before dropping clues about the ‘CHAMP’ box. It wasn’t until my Dad’s death and my decision to once again call Hawaii home that I heard from numerous people that Dad loved and was proud of me, attended every football game I played in and regretted sending Mary and me away. He missed us so much more than he ever let on because he remained quiet about his feelings. At first, it was so hard to believe when I heard these comments about my Dad’s love, pride and loneliness he had for Mary and me. It was only when Five-O and I unraveled the complicated case that resulted Dad’s murder that I really and honestly came to terms with how dangerous it was for us to have remained here and that he was sending us away to protect us not because he didn’t love us. If I had never found Victor Heese’s connection to Sang Min, which lead to Wo Fat and the Yakuza involvement, I would have never forgiven and accepted what Dad did for us. Once we figured it out, I could not stop missing him and desperately wanting him back. I wanted a do over._

    * _Dad came to symbolize love, devotion, determination and bravery that I aspired to. Feeling angry, guilty and unresolved regarding his death, I chose to hoard everything that he valued or that reminded me of him. That every relationship I’ve been in and every case we’ve been involved with became either a search for a father figure or grief and identifying with a son who lost a father. Those types of cases pushed me to capture or kill the son of a bitch that killed a father and leaving a son fatherless. These were the reasons why Joe White was so hard to let go of, representing a surrogate father for me in the Navy. In addition, anything that reminded me of my father symbolized his presence. At the top of the list was the classic Mercury Marquis that we always worked on and vowed to get it running again. It was our project and our time to bond when we worked on that car. I sometimes get flashbacks of my Dad and me when I was a kid working under the hood. I can hear his voice asking me to pass him a tool or praising me for finding small problems with parts. This is the tangible item that represents my Dad the most. The Adirondack Chairs outside my house were other tangible things that I would never part with. We sat there for long hours talking about nothing or sitting quietly enjoying the sound of the waves and each other’s presence. I even sit in his chair on the left and Danny on the right. I love and care for Danny so much that he earned the other chair. It wasn’t for anyone to sit in. My house – the home where he and my mom raised us- is another tribute to my Dad and our happy family before Mom’s death. We were always happy, but it brings up happy memories for the most part. I’m still somewhat still stubborn about getting rid of the original furniture as a tribute and reminder of him. It still remains set up as it was for as long as I could remember. So perhaps I am cheating so that I don’t have to list these items as separate things I treasure, but the Marquis, the chairs and the house (and I forgot the ‘CHAMP’ box all connect back to my Dad and how I treasured and aspired to be like. Recently, when kidnapped by Wo Fat, I saw my Dad alive in my dreams so much so that it took me a while to believe that he was just part of the hallucinations caused by the drugs Wo Fat and his accomplice pumped into me. Since then, I’ve wanted and missed him more than ever._



  * _I treasure and love Danny_


    * _He is loyal, caring, strong and fiercely protective. From the first time I met him in my garage (ironically, it was the first time I had taken the cover off the Marquis since before I was sent away); he was already caring and compassionate. He gave me a compassionate and sincere apology for my Dad’s death. Of course, that was before the ranting began. There was a spark, a connection, an instant bond that I felt with Danny. While the angry, manipulative and disrespectful part of me took the case from him, the other side of me experienced a pull to take him with me, to be beside me, to work beside me. That’s why I took the case from him. Not only was he the first to be selected for the Five-O team, I made him my partner. I respected his success rate as a detective and his expertise as a cop. I also found his straight-shot forwardness that later developed into rants a quality I liked because I rarely found anyone who would be my equal, disagreeing with an order or opinion and holding his ground. In the Navy, I was used to commanding soldiers and they listened and followed every command. With Danny, it was comforting to know that he was his own person yet he gave everything for the people he loved. He is also my confidante and my conscience. He reels me in when I become so angry or destructive that I might be a danger to myself. He is the only person that has this calming effect over me.       Outwardly, he exuded confidence, intensity and fierceness that is over the top as well as a whirlwind of bluster that serves to compliment his career in law enforcement (sounds like resume writing). In other words, he can have a loud or soft expression of anger which intimidates many perpetrators to confess (aka his Bad Ass side). Just underneath that persona is a soft, caring, kind and compassionate person. He exhibits this behavior when his daughter Grace is sad or frightened and he is the first one on any crime scene where a child is involved, protecting and comforting them as only a good father can. It because Danny is such multi faceted man that he can keep up with me, has my back and loves me unconditionally and passionately. Yeah as hokey as it sounds, he completes me._


    * _He symbolizes love, passion, caring and an unwavering presence. He knows me so well that it’s terrifying. He is my rock. Danny is honesty, integrity and courage._



Steve realizes the vital importance of what he’s written so far. He’s never handwritten so much in his life. Doc was right in saying that in writing you might discover something that you have been unable to express and provide clarity to it. Steve just hopes that what Danny is writing about him (at least he hopes Danny’s writing about him) accentuates something positive. Judging from the texts, he suspects at least some of it is.

 

' _I wonder what and who Danny is thinking about. Is it too much to hope that his texts mean that he’s starting to warm up to me again? Grace and her safety is the most volatile subject for him and I crossed that line when I left her alone. Will a few appointments with Doc and this assignment be enough to save what we have? Will Danny find a way to ever trust me again? I did apologize to him realizing how much leaving Grace alone had frightened and angered him. Too little too late. Will I get to see Grace now that I have betrayed Danny’s trust? I love the both of them so much that I don’t want this to rip us apart. We are a family whether Danny sees it or not. Anything that could negatively affect Gracie will always be an issue and Danny will fight anything and anyone for Gracie, including me. I can’t even fathom the possibility that Danny and Grace won’t be a part of my life. While I felt some relief writing about Dad and Danny, all I feel as time passes is more fear and pain. I’ve got to get through this. Things are not hopeless or over yet. I’ll do whatever it takes to get Danny back.'_

 

Steve hoped for the latter.

 

Steve needed to go for a swim to stretch his muscles and calm his mind. He got up out of the chair, stared at the blanket covered chair next to him and sighed. He went in the house, dropped the pad of paper on his desk, went upstairs, stripped off his clothes and put on a pair of swim trunks. He was forever grateful for his private beach. Because he was so familiar with it, he could swim his route on autopilot.

****

**_=+=+=_ **

 

Several more hours had gone by and there were no texts or contact from Steve. Danny was hoping that by sending him a few texts earlier would ease both their fears.

 

_'What is he doing? Is he out for a swim? At the shooting range? Hiking up to the petroglyphs? Getting himself into trouble? It felt so good to get my feelings and thoughts about Steve and my Monkey written out on paper. I didn’t want to write about my feelings because there was always something about writing that made things real and permanent. It was there in black and white and I couldn’t just take it back. I don’t know how to get off this roller coaster of feeling like I have to choose between Grace and Steve. I keep thinking and feeling that I can’t let Steve go. I’m in love with him. No one has ever known me better than Steve. He knows all the dark places in my mind, but loves me anyway. Yet there is another thought that tells me that because Steve left Monkey then I can’t trust or be with him. It’s the latter thought that tugs at me and catches me off guard. I feel like a big part of me has let these thoughts go and feels that we can make it. But what happens if we don’t? I wish I could trust him wholeheartedly. What will it take to let these fears go?'_

 

Danny couldn't stand the insecurity and fear of the unknown that plagued his head right now. He didn’t want to go home, but didn’t know where to go.

 

Danny remembered a case they had a few years back when a father was killed and his son was orphaned. Luckily, his aunt took custody of him. They owned a gym and Steve had to stand in for a fighter he injured in a charity match between him and former MMA fighter, Chuck Liddell.

 

Danny smiled at the memory before looking up the name of the gym. Since Danny disliked running and swimming, he thought a few rounds with a punching bag would do him some good.

 

It was pretty late by the time both men got ready for bed. With Steve at home and Danny at his apartment, both felt the absence of the other. Both eventually fell into a restless sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys dream and they are not happy ones.
> 
> Author's note 9/8/2015  
> I've made some major changes to this chapter by disecting Chapter 7. The difference is adding the conversation between Rachel and Danny. Enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Simplyn2deep for betaing. PLEASE NOTE THAT I'VE CHANGED THE TAGS TO THIS STORY TO INCLUDE "GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF VIOLENCE" - CRIME SCENES AND WAR SCENES. These warnings are primarily for this chapter only. I will forewarn you before a future chapter if need be.

Steve wasn’t asleep very long before he replayed that day in his mind.

 

His dream started with Gracie bent over with her hands on her knees, breathing deeply and looking directly into Steve’s face with a sunny smile of gratitude that made Steve’s heart and stomach feel warm and fuzzy. He felt proud of her and felt that special bond of theirs strengthen with his spending time with her training and succeeding with the reward of her happiness, appreciation and love. It wasn’t a bond he felt in a brotherly way as he had sometimes when he and Mary were young. It felt more like the bond that Danny explained that he felt with Gracie. Not as strong, but similar. He could imagine himself as her father and Danny as his partner. He hoped their relationships were heading in that direction.

 

The Marquis came screeching around the corner. Steve saw and heard himself telling her to stay there and not move. He saw her face and her telling him to go. He ran down the street unable to catch up to it when he turned around to see Grace being pulled into a van with some small material being held over her mouth and nose – chloroform. Steve panicked and tried to run back to save her but the van sped off and disappeared.

 

Next, he found himself at a storage facility hearing Grace’s frightened screams and yells as if she was being beaten. Steve called out to her through each aisle until he came to the right one. He ran toward it, but it was too late. A shadow of a man came out of an opened storage space with blood dripping from his hands. Steve found Gracie bruised, bloody and lifeless. She was dead and Steve yelled before sobbing hysterically. Danny came up beside him, dropped to his knees and grabbed his lifeless daughter screaming at Steve that he should have never left her.

 

Next, he was whisked off to stand in front of her school with the alarm blaring throughout Honolulu. The drones were attacking everywhere. One came at them and began shooting. Steve ran to dive over Grace’s body as the bullets rang out. Steve had been shot in the thigh and the arm, but Grace lay below him lifeless with countless bullet holes in her chest, her face pale and expressionless. Danny appeared beside them and bent down to touch Grace crying, “You’re too late, Steve. You’re too late and it’s all your fault Grace is gone.”

 

Then, he was running toward an undisclosed town in the Middle East. Buildings were burning and others had crumbled. The sound of screaming women and groaning, dying men could be heard as Steve and his team ran towards the voices. He stopped in the middle of the road when he saw a pile of small bodies – children. On top of the pile, Grace lay dead bloody and half charred. A few feet from the pile of children was Danny on the ground dying and crying weakly as he said, “Monkey is dead, Steve and you are too late.” A minute later Danny was dead with his blue eyes open but not seeing.

Steve woke up yelling, “Noooo, Gracie. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

 

He was sweaty and panting hard. He immediately turned on the light, grabbed his cell phone and called Rachel. Danny didn’t have her that weekend. Steve was in such shock that he didn’t bother to think or feel awkward about calling Rachel in the middle of the night.

 

Rachel answered the phone sounding as if she was startled out of sleep. Steve continued to breathe heavily and spoke immediately upon hearing her voice.

 

“Rachel, is Gracie alright? Please tell me she’s there safe and sound,” Steve said quickly and desperately.

 

“Steve? What’s wrong? Why did you need to call about Grace? Has Danny been hurt or kidnapped?” Rachel sounded fully awake now and frightened.

 

Steve took a few steady deep breaths before answering Rachel. “I’m so sorry to have bothered you. Danny is home at his house. I thought Gracie had been hurt, but it must have been a dream,” Steve sounded apologetic, but not quite calm. The sound of Steve’s voice was disturbing. She had never seen nor heard him be anything but cordial or serious.

 

“Are you alright, Steve? Did something happen between you and Danny,” Rachel asked in concern.

 

“We had an argument, but we are working through it,” Steve said unconvincingly.

 

Rachel knew something was wrong, but did not feel comfortable bringing it up with Steve. She would ring Danny in the morning. “Steve, don’t worry. Grace is fine and asleep in her room. You are welcome to come see her in the morning if you wish,” Rachel said soothingly.

 

“Thanks, Rachel, and I’m truly sorry to have bothered you,” Steve said awkwardly.

 

“It’s alright, Steve. I’m comforted by the fact that you are concerned about Grace’s well being much like Danny is. Grace always tells me that she loves her Uncle Steve,” Rachel said with such sincerity and caring unlike Steve has never heard from her before.

 

Steve was more awake and alert now, willing his heart to stop beating so hard and so quickly. “Thanks, Rachel. Good night.”

 

“Good night, Steve. Sleep well, “Rachel replied.

 

Steve called Danny next, but his cell went to voicemail. “Danno, you okay? I miss you and I’m so sorry about Grace.” Steve wasn’t up to calling Danny’s land line. Since Danny never turned his cell phone off, Steve contemplated going over to his house to make sure he was okay. He laid on his back wide awake, running his fingers through his hair and using his arm to wipe the sweat off his face.

 

+=+=+

 

Danny twisted and turned in a restless sleep. He dreamed he was back in Steve’s garage holding his gun towards Steve with the Marquis in between them. It was Danny’s first look at the car since he hadn’t yet investigated the garage. He was still at the McGarrett's house, but now standing in front of it. Danny entered the home to find John McGarrett's body, bloody fragmented remains of his head splattered on the carpet and against the wall.

 

Danny entered the garage to find the Marquis covered in bullet holes. As he approached the driver’s side and looked inside the car, Steve was riddled with bullets slumped face down over the steering wheel with blood everywhere including his hand that rested on the key in the ignition.

 

Suddenly, he was outside in the hot sun, pushing the Marquis that had broken down on the H1 as Steve was attempting to steer. Danny felt the heat bearing down on him and a pain starting to throb in both of his knees. Danny came out of the house a few doors down from the safe house that Sang Min escaped from. He stole the Marquis, ran Steve down with it and continued to drive away. Danny suddenly found himself at Punchbowl Cemetery sitting in the driver’s seat of the recovered Marquis watching Steve’s casket get lowered into the ground before driving away.

 

Danny was in his Camaro chasing Steve in the Marquis when he vanished around the corner and down some unknown side road. Danny knew that Steve was en route to Kamekona’s house for some guns and ammo before going to the governor’s mansion. He drove to Kamekona’s house only to see Steve peeling out and speeding away. Every time Danny got near the Marquis, Steve would suddenly speed out of view. Danny stopped in front of the governor’s mansion and got out of the Camaro. Passing by the Marquis, he felt the hood and it was still warm. Before he could get to the front door of the mansion, he heard shots ring out and Steve making a run for it before Chin tackled him, cuffed him and drove him away toward Halawa.

 

Danny was standing across the street from HQ and saw the Marquis parked in front of it. Danny called out to Steve as he ran out of the building, down the stairs and got into the car. The car exploded sending shock waves through the building and breaking its windows. With the heat of the fire, Danny couldn’t get anywhere near the car. It didn’t matter because Steve had been killed by the claymore mine that set off the explosion. Pain and panic hit Danny as he stood in front of the driver’s side door of the Marquis seeing blood on the inside handle and steering wheel with Steve nowhere in sight.

 

Danny stood in a dark, dank basement where Steve was lying on the ground of a dank dark basement sweaty, bloody and scarred with burns from a cattle prod. He had no pulse and he wasn’t breathing. Danny started chest compressions while crying and yelling at Steve. Chin finally had to pry him off Steve’s body.

 

It felt like every time Danny moved, he was in front of the McGarrett's House. This time, Danny walked into the house and there was no sign of John McGarrett. Instead, he saw some of Grace’s toys spilled out of a toy box and scattered across the living room. He also saw a couple of his T-shirts strewn down the staircase. He heard something in the garage and went to investigate. As he got closer, he could hear a car running. As he opened the door that led from the house to the garage, he was overwhelmed by the smell of exhaust in the closed garage. He immediately hit the garage door opener and went down the steps to the car. Inside the car, Steve was sitting still; his head leaned back on the headrest with his eyes closed. As Danny opened the car door, Steve slid sideways onto Danny’s lap. A note was still in Steve’s hand. Danny took the note out of his hand and read it:

_Danno,_

_I’m sorry that I left Gracie on the street corner. I came home to find both of you gone. I’m sorry that I let you down. You both left and there was nothing left for me. So I left to be with my Dad._

_I love you,_

_Steve_

 

It was insane. Steve would never kill himself. Yet his lifeless body was lying in his lap as he clutched the note tightly.

 

“No, you idiot. You really couldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t have done this to me. Dammit, Steve! WAKE UP! WAKE UP,” Danny yelled as he shook Steve’s body.

 

Danny opened his eyes and sat up straight, taking in his surroundings. He was at his apartment alone. He tried to call Steve on his cell, but it went straight to voicemail. He immediately hung up, threw on some clothes and went out the front door.

 

Danny drove the Camaro at a deadly speed to get to Steve’s house. He flew out of the car with the house key in his hand when someone opened the door. Steve stood in his doorway; a look of sheer terror and fear had taken over his face.

 

Steve literally fell forward into Danny’s arms and he wrapped his arms around Danny’s neck to stop his fall and grasp his partner. He took in his scent and felt his warmth before he began looking, touching and grabbing him desperately.

 

“Danno, are you okay? I tried to call you and it went straight to voicemail. I was just at the door getting ready to leave for your house. I already called Rachel to make sure Grace was okay and she’s safe and sound. Rachel told me I could come see her in the morning.” Steve spoke quickly without taking a breath.

 

Danny pulled back to put his hands on each side of his face and take a good look at him. “Babe, I know that you are sorry about Grace. You didn’t let me down. Please, please, Steve, don’t die and leave me.”

 

Steve looked back into Danny’s eyes. His eyes mirrored his. They looked frightened, vulnerable and desperate. Some of his words made sense and some didn’t.

 

“Danny, can we talk,” Steve pleaded. “I think both of us said some things that made sense and some that didn’t. I saw horrible things in my dreams. Did you?”

 

“Yeah, Babe, I did. That’s why I’m here,” Danny admitted. “Why did you call Rachel?”

 

“I’ll tell you, Danno, but can we talk about this in bed? I’m not got to avoid talking to you. I just need to hold you while we talk.” Steve spoke quietly and tentatively, yet determined.

 

Danny saw the sincerity and honesty in Steve’s words. ' _He really is serious about this. I believe him when he says he is not going to use sex to deflect from this. He sounds determined to get to the bottom of whatever this is. He wants to deal with this because he is that scared. Whatever he saw in his dreams drove him to desperation. He has that haunted look like he did when we rescued him from North Korea, Afghanistan and Wo Fat’s Torture Chamber.’_

 

“Okay, Babe,” Danny said lovingly, “let’s head up to bed.”

 

Steve looked relieved as he gently pulled Danny further into his house, closed the door and up the stairs.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After witnessing the worst nightmares about each other, they seek out one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Simplyn2Deep for her 2 hour turn around for Betaing. I guess there are some good reasons for some to be sleepless. Hope you rest better tonight!

Once they washed up and got ready for bed, Steve and Danny crawled under the covers. Steve wrapped both arms around Danny; one arm went under Danny’s neck and wrapped around to grasp his shoulder while the other arm reached around Danny’s waist to rest on his stomach. Danny snuggled close, resting his head in the crook of Steve’s arm close to Steve’s chest. He slipped both arms around Steve’s waist and hugged him tight. Both needed assurance that the other person was uninjured and alive. So much death and violence plagued both of them in their nightmares that Steve and Danny needed to feel every inch of each other checking for injuries and memorizing each others’ scent in case the dreams were real.

 

While both of their nightmares were hellish, Danny let Steve talk about his first. Danny hated when Steve got that desperate haunted look. It was so unlike the serious, confident, aggressive leader that everyone saw or the cocky, tender, loving goofball that Danny saw. Seeing him vulnerable and frightened was something that Danny wanted to fix and never see again.

 

Danny looked up into Steve’s eyes, speaking quietly and soothingly as if he were comforting Grace. “You wanna talk about them? When you first opened the door, I saw that same wild, frightened look that I’d only seen in North Korea, Afghanistan and when we rescued you from Wo Fat this final time. Babe, you know I’d do anything to save you from making that face. It makes you look haunted.”

 

Steve squeezed him harder as he looked into Danny’s calm, loving and deep blue eyes. “The dream started with a flashback. We were back at the street corner and the Marquis sped by. Gracie made assurances that she’d be fine by herself and pushed me to go off and chase it. Once I left though, this white van stopped in front of her, pulled her into the back and sped off. That’s when we ended up at a storage facility. Hearing Gracie’s screams, we went to open one of the storage containers but we were too late. Grace was dead. You yelled at me saying that we were too late and that it was all my fault. Wherever I ended up in the dream, I was always just a few minutes too late and you kept yelling the same thing at me over and over.”

 

Steve pauses, taking a shuddering breath. “The last part of the dream scared me the most and nearly sent me over the edge. I was leading a SEAL team into some undisclosed location. It was a small town that had been attacked. It looked like we entered Hell. Fires were burning everywhere. We saw men who were suffering a slow painful death, women crying hysterically over a pile of bodies lying a few feet away. Gracie was on the top. You were down and severely injured a couple of yards away. You saw me and told me that your beloved Monkey was dead. Groaning and struggling with each word, you blamed me for it and I watched you die; your eyes remained open but lifeless.”

 

Steve turned his head away from Danny not wanting him to see his reaction nor show his tears. Danny scooted up so their faces were at the same level. He gently placed his hand on Steve’s cheek, turning his head to face him. His hand remained there, caressing Steve’s cheek as he gently kissed his forehead, cheeks and lips.

 

“Was seeing Grace dead the reason why you called Rachel,” Danny asked with concern. Danny was shocked at how deep Steve’s fear was that he resorted to calling Rachel in the middle of the night to make sure Grace was okay. Most of Steve’s conversations with Rachel were normally awkward. So taking the action to call her was out of Steve’s fear and desperation.

 

“Yeah,” Steve spoke in what was barely a whisper, “I just needed to make sure she was there and that she was alive and well. Rachel was kind and reassuring, confirming that Grace was fine and that I could come by in the morning to see her.” Steve continued to speak in a shaky, uncertain voice. “As soon as I knew Grace was okay, I tried to call you and your phone went straight to voicemail. I knew that you never turned off your phone. That’s when I got ready to head over to your house to make sure you were okay.”

 

Danny stroked Steve’s hair and held him tighter, trying to get through to him. Steve broke down saying over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry that I left Gracie alone. I lost her, it was all my fault and I let you and Gracie down.” Steve began shaking and shivering. He stared through Danny as if he wasn’t there.

 

Danny knew that Steve was still trapped in his nightmares. He took Steve’s hand and placed it on his chest. “Steve? Babe? Can you feel my heart beating? I’m alive, Grace is fine and I love you. I’m right here right now holding you in my arms.” Danny caressed Steve everywhere he could reach, assuring him of his warmth and presence.

 

“Steve,” Danny tried to get his attention, “they were horrific dreams spurred on by everything we talked, wrote and thought about. Please believe me when I say that Grace and I are alive and well. I know you are sorry, Babe, and I’m not angry anymore. You would never jeopardize Grace’s safety unless it was vital. The Marquis was vital. It represents the last of what you and your dad shared and you couldn’t lose it, too. I get it now. I do. I trust you with our lives always. I couldn’t bear to lose you because I love you so very much.”

 

Steve still looked confused. “You love me? You trust me? Why? I failed you.”

 

Steve looked unconvinced like he did when Danny looked at him downstairs in the basement where they found Wo Fat, telling him several times that his father was dead.

 

“Steve, look at me,” Danny paused and waited for Steve to look at him. “Yes, I love and trust you because you are fiercely protective and loyal. You would never let those you love be hurt and you put your life on the line for us. You are a caring, passionate loving person. Can you see it’s true? You didn’t fail me. I was frightened and I overreacted. You have never let me down and you’ve always had my back. Do you hear me?”

 

_'Now I might have done and said things differently had Steve not been so far out of his mind. While I am no longer angry at him, I did feel that he made an error in judgment by leaving Grace by herself. I reacted the way I did because what he did made me question my trust in him. He may have reacted in Super SEAL mode and gone after what was his without thinking about the consequences (leaving Grace alone). I was scared. After I wrote about my feelings, I realized that he would never jeopardize Gracie’s safety if not for how much that car means to him; that it represents the last memories of his father. He had never put Grace in harms’ way before and he would never consciously place her in a dangerous situation. My only duty now is to save Steve from himself.'_

 

Steve nodded slowly as his eyes focused. His haunted look slowly vanished as he looked into Danny’s face. He came back, looking directly into Danny’s eyes with concern either ignoring or forgetting what had happened.

 

“Danno, you okay? What happened in your dreams that had you up and running to my house in the middle of the night?”

“First of all,” Danny firmly stated, “it’s not what’s _yours is yours and what’s mine is mine_. It’s not about _your_ house or _my_ house. Here, in this house where you grew up, it's **our** house. In fact, it might be time for me to let go of _my_ house.”

 

“Danno,” Steve said sounding as if he were scolding him, “where did all that house stuff come from? Are you trying to avoid talking about your dreams?”

 

“No, Steven,” Danny answered with an irritated tone. “I just wanted to clarify our living situation because I was angry before and not sure they would be an us.I intentionally referred to our houses as your house and my house, hoping you’d notice how mad I was.”

 

“I did notice,” Steve said, “and it worried me. I’m happy that you cleared that up. So about your dreams…do you want to talk about them?” His hazel eyes looked straight into Danny’s soul as he gave Danny his full attention.

 

Danny snuggled right up against Steve’s body, mirroring what he had done for Steve earlier. Danny rested his hand on Steve’s chest right over his heart and the rest of his body connected with Steve’s all the way down to their toes – arm and arm, side and side, hip and hip, leg and leg.

 

“The dream started harmlessly. It was the first time we met when we pulled our guns on each other with the Marquis parked between us. Then, the dream progressed, becoming scarier and scarier. After my first meeting with you and first look at the Marquis, I found myself again at the front of the house. I walked in to find your father’s body. Then, I walked into the garage and saw the car riddled with bullets with someone slumped over the steering wheel. When I opened the driver’s door, your lifeless, bullet filled body slid down onto my lap, spilling blood all over my clothes. Then, I was chasing Sang Min when he entered that house where I was exposed to Sarin gas. Sang Min came speeding out of the garage of the house, driving your Marquis and running you over. When we got your Marquis back, I drove it to Punchbowl Cemetery to watch you being buried before I drove away.”

 

Danny paused, his fingers idly stroking Steve's skin. “Next, I was across the street from HQ when I spotted the car parked in front. Instead of Laura Hills in her car, you climbed into the Marquis and started the engine. Your car blew up; shock waves broke windows all over the building. I ran across the street to try and get to you, but Chin stopped me. The flames were too high and there was no way I could get to you. You had already died when the claymore mine went off. It should have been Laura Hills, but it was you. Then, you were speeding away from Kamekona’s place on your way to the Governor’s Mansion. I couldn’t catch up to you. I saw you just in time to see Chin taking you away. Then, I was in the street staring at your car parked sideways with the door open, blood on the door handle and steering wheel. When we found you in the basement with Wo Fat only you weren’t breathing and started chest compressions but it was too late.”

 

Danny shook his head some, willing the images to go away. “Just like you, it was the last part of the dream that had me running to get to you. I was back at our house, but this time your father’s body was not in the house. Instead, my clothes were half strewn on the stairs. I went to our bedroom to see that I had cleared out my stuff in a hurry. Grace had too, leaving a few stuffed animals behind. I went to check in the garage when I heard a car running. When I opened the door, the car was running with the garage closed. There you were again slumped over the wheel. As I opened the door, you slid down onto my lap. There was a note in your hands that basically said that Grace and I had left you and you didn’t want to live anymore. Instead, you went up to be with your dad. I knew you would never commit suicide, but I couldn’t wake you up. I was screaming for you to wake up when I gasped awake. I saw that I was in bed drenched in sweat. I must have called you when you called me because the same thing happened to me. Your phone went directly to voicemail and I panicked. I broke speeding records to get here as fast as I could and here we are.”

 

Danny’s eyes started to fill with tears as Steve ran his fingers through Danny’s hair holding him so they were cheek to cheek. “Hey, Baby, we’re both here. We both survived and we’re still together. We both witnessed some terrifying things, but they only happened in our dreams. We both still have each other. It feels so good to feel your warmth and your breath. We’re going to make it, Danno. You’ll see.”

 

Danny rubbed his hand in circles all over Steve. It wasn’t a sexual thing. It was to feel the warm skin of Steve’s body and to feel his heart beating. There was going to be so much to talk about Monday.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Comfort, Confession, Confirmation, Consummation, Cliffhanger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the time it's taking to wrap up this story. There have been seven or eight episodes following this one and I intended it to be a short one shot. As several of you say, the "Plot Bunnies" took over! Besides them, it takes me forever to get to the point in anything I do (including writing)! Thanks, readers, for your patience. Comments are always welcome. Thanks to Simplyn2deep for betaing this, especially under a challenging computer situation. Chapter 7 is closing in on being done and should be out soon. I am changing the rating of this fic from "Teen and Up Audiences" to "Mature" due to the content of this chapter. Enjoy!
> 
> Author's Note - 9/8/2015  
> Three days to Sunset on the Beach (my second time attending) got me motivated to start writing again. This chapter gets us back on track as far as the timeline to this story. The appointment with Doc occured on Friday afternoon. The Boys started their assignment Friday evening. The nightmares throughout Friday night. Finally, giving them two days to finish and process through their assignment.

When this "thing" first started between them, Danny was surprised to discover that Steve was a gentle and tactile lover. Perhaps it was because of Steve’s deep-seeded fear of abandonment that caused him to catalog everything about Danny, feeling his warmth, moving his hands across every single part of his body and taking in his scent. While very capable of hot, fast and enticing sex, Steve was also a gentle lover and a cuddler. Steve slept completely covering and protecting Danny’s body like an octopus. Danny sometimes found Steve’s sleep position cumbersome in the morning when he needed to go to the bathroom, but he really reveled in the comfort of Steve’s arms.

 

It was this tender side of Steve that was reciprocating Danny’s comforting actions by rubbing his hand in circles all over Danny – massaging Danny’s neck and shoulders, caressing his back and everywhere else he could reach. Steve also rested his head on Danny’s chest to feel and hear his heart beat. The dreams were so real. Feeling shell shocked and exhausted by the nightmares, both of them gently took stock of one another as an attempt to keep their nightmares at bay.

 

As they relaxed into each other’s arms, Steve looked into Danny’s eyes with sincerity and love. “I love you so much, Danny, and I love Gracie as if she were my own daughter. I don’t want us to be a ‘thing’ anymore. I hope that you love me as much as I do because you are it for me. You and Grace are my life now,” Steve confessed in a quiet, gentle but serious voice.

 

Danny stared back at Steve silently for what felt like a few long minutes. Steve was anxiously awaiting Danny’s response to what he said.

 

 _'Have_ _I screwed things up already? Confessing my feelings to another person, even if it’s Danny, is still terrifying to me. I’ve said more tonight than I’ve ever said to anyone. Was it too much? The thought of ever losing Danny would be the most tragic, gut wrenching thing that could happen to me ever. We started off on the wrong foot, quickly moving into a comfortable friendship and then as close as brothers. I was fooling myself if I thought I loved him like a brother and nothing beyond that. I was just afraid to make the move. In reality, I had fallen in love with him as soon as we slipped into a comfortable friendship. Sitting outside on our chairs overlooking the ocean, I’d told him things I’ve never told another person. I sensed that he was doing the same. There was a thread attaching us to one another, but I was afraid it was fragile and would break if I tugged at it. When Danny directed his rage at me over leaving Gracie, I hadn’t thought of what that meant to him and what it represented – trust. For us, Grace and the Marquis are so ingrained as part of who we are that it is dangerous to approach them on our own. Of course, Grace is a person and different from a car, but it’s who and how it represents my father that makes it feel like more than just a car,’_

 

Danny smiled as he took one of Steve’s hands in both of his. “I think I always knew that this ‘thing’ actually meant more to us than we were willing to admit,” Danny replied. “I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you. You, me and Grace - family. I love you, too, babe.”

 

‘ _I’ve felt the same way all along, but I was afraid to admit it. Another what if – what if he didn’t feel the same way? Most of me felt that the both of us were on the same page, but calling it a ‘thing’ was probably a way for Steve to give me or him a way out or if things didn’t work out. It’s crazy how it’s taken us so long to get here.’_ Danny thought to himself.

 

The tension and fear quickly dissipated as Steve gently kissed him and held him tight. He yawned and his eyes closed. Danny followed him soon after. They settled in snuggled up close as they drifted off to sleep.

 

Sleep went much better for them. They talked well into the early hours of morning, beginning with their nightmares and ending with their confession of their love for one another. While the rest of the night wasn’t completely devoid of nightmares, Steve and Danny both seemed calmer and comfortable now that they were back to sleeping with each other. When one of them mumbled, twisted or wiggled restlessly, the other would unconsciously reach over to caress their face or arm; perhaps hold them tighter. They had both slept in late, which was unheard of for Steve. The fact that Steve did not wake early to swim or run as part of his everyday routine was proof of how traumatic the dreams had been for him both physically and emotionally.

 

Danny woke first, watching Steve as he slept. He was amazed at how still; relaxed, peaceful and calm Steve looked as he lay asleep in front of him. As if Steve could feel Danny staring at him, he slowly opened his eyes half lidded and looked at Danny. Danny smiled at him and his eyes sparkled as he gazed at his partner, finding Steve’s sleepy eyes so adorable. “Hey, Babe,” Danny whispered softly.

 

“Hey. Good Morning, Baby.” Steve mumbled. “Mmmm. You feel good. You feel so right. I’m so happy to have you back in my arms again,” Steve spoke just above a whisper, a small grin gracing his handsome face.

 

“Yeah,” Danny replied back dreamily. “Who would have thought that it would take an argument of epic proportions to realize our love for each other,” Danny said, rubbing his cheek against Steve.

 

“I really thought it was over before it started,” Steve admitted.

 

“Yeah. I was beginning to think that it was too good to be true so I grabbed the first opportunity to question my trust in you – taking care of my monkey, my Grace,” Danny looked embarrassed and ashamed of his thoughts. I’m so sorry, Babe.”

 

“No, your worst case scenario did not come true nor did my dreams. That’s all they were - horrible dreams .I used poor judgment leaving Gracie in that situation and my dreaming mind wanted to make sure I knew it,” Steve admitted.

 

“The same thing applies to me, Babe,” Danny confirmed. “Sometimes it takes something big to get through to my thick, stubborn head.”

 

Steve gave him his signature smirk as he settled in closer, caressing his face, Steve’s hand drifting slowly downward, rubbing circles Danny’s back. Danny could feel Steve’s hard cock pushed up against his, stirring up his arousal as well. “Danny, I need to feel you inside me. Danny, please make love to me,” Steve begged and pleaded, fearing Danny would refuse his request.

 

“Yeah, Babe. After all we’ve been through, I feel the same need,” Danny responded. “I need to be inside you to feel that you are real. That you haven’t left me.”

 

“Danno, I would never leave you. I’m yours and I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Danny lifted the covers off them, wrapping his arms around Steve, looking up to his face. He gently slid his hands down the sides of his body as his lips opened slightly to give Steve a long, gentle kiss, their tongues wrapping around each other taking in each other’s taste. He moved a little lower to lick and slightly suck Steve’s nipples. Steve let out a moan, caressing Danny’s arms and body, sliding down and around to hold Danny’s perfectly round ass squeezing it gently and massaging it.

 

Danny gave Steve tiny, feather light kisses slowly down Steve’s chest, kissing across his strong abs, licked in his belly button before kissing his stomach and abdomen. He paused to look up at Steve as if he needed permission to proceed lower towards Steve’s cock.

 

While Steve’s gaze was loving and soft, his eyes were dark and blown wide. He gave Danny a slight nod.

 

Danny nosed Steve’s pubic hair, then proceeded to wrap his warm lips and tongue around Steve’s cock. It was already slippery with a little bit of pre-cum leaking from the tip. Danny then loosely put his mouth around the tip of Steve’s cock licking some pre-cum before sucking the top a bit.

 

Steve moaned in pleasure as he moved his hands from Danny’s ass and places them on the sides of Danny’s head. He pushed Danny’s head lower. Danny slid his tongue over the vein on the side of Danny’s cock until he had Steve’s cock fully in his mouth. He began to move his mouth up and down Steve’s cock, sucking it on his way up the shaft. Steve’s body shivered and shook in pleasure, guiding Danny’s head up and down on his cock, urging Danny to go a bit faster.

 

Steve’s cock had continued to grow longer and harder as Danny sucked a few times. He pulled off Steve and reached for the lube in the night stand. He squeezed a generous amount over three fingers. Danny returned to sucking Steve’s cock while he slid his lube covered ring finger into Steve’s hole.

 

Steve started to fuck Danny’s mouth picking up the pace harder and faster. Danny’s first finger slid in easily and he added his middle finger in slowly past the loose ring with his knuckles until he was all the way in massaging his prostate.

 

Steve moaned and growled. He began to breath fast and heavy as Danny added a third finger widening Steve up and sucking his cock tighter and faster to the pace of Steve’s cock fucking Danny’s mouth.

 

On the edge, Steve pulled out. “Danny, I’m getting so close to coming but I don’t want to yet. Fuck, I need your all of your cock in me! I need you to kiss me!” Steve’s voice was hoarse, throaty and urgent.

 

Danny did as Steve asked pulling his mouth off his cock. He squeezed more lube onto his hand to coat his cock before lining it up to Steve’s hole and pushing in slowly. He slithered past the opening, Steve’s hole well prepared, welcoming all of Danny’s cock quickly. Danny bottomed Steve in no time.

 

With Steve on his back watching Danny’s ministrations, Danny moved his way up to place kisses that were a bit more aggressive than before, nibbling at Steve’s lower lip.

 

Steve squirmed. “Faster, Danny. Harder, Danny. I can take it and I want it. I need you to feel you pumping harder and deeper inside me.” Steve’s face in a haze of lust and pleasure.

 

Danny came down on Steve harder and faster, hitting Steve’s prostate every time. Steve began growling then shouting out Danny’s name over and over until he yelled Danny’s name and squeezed Danny’s body as he exploded inside Danny. Danny’s cock came soon after bursting inside Steve. Danny continued to ride Steve’s orgasmic aftershocks until Danny collapsed on to him. They both drifted off to into a post-orgasmic haze.

 

______*****_____

 

They took a brief nap and when they woke up, it was late morning. As Steve sat up and stretched, Danny playfully grabbed Steve's waist trying to get him to remain in bed.

 

“Danno, we’ve got to get up sometime,” Steve said in mock anger.

 

“Nah. Let’s just stay in bed all day. We can roll around and ignore the day,” Danny said jokingly.

 

‘ _Actually I’m not entirely joking. I don’t want to face more of the nightmare aftermath just to finish my homework. I’m afraid to. I don’t want to stir up any more shit to have nightmares over. Can’t we just stay in a safe cocoon?’_

 

“Hey, Danno. Are you still with me,” Steve said in concern _._

 

‘Judging by the look on Danny’s face, he’s thinking about last night again. I could see so many reasons for avoiding the day. We both need to keep working on our homework from Doc. I know mine is not finished and from what I can gather yours isn’t either. It isn’t a pleasant concept. How much more shit can we unearth? Is it going to be a repeat of last night?’ Danny shook his head and rolled it around. His eyes came back in to focus on Steve. “Yeah, Babe. Just thinking.” “Is it about our homework? I’m dreading it too,” Steve admitted. “Before we get back to it, why don’t we check on Grace? I’m calmer now than I was, but I still feel like I need to see her. You know what I mean? Just to be sure.” ‘To convince myself once and for all that Grace really is alive and well even though I know she is. It’ll give me a chance to talk to Rachel. I owe it to her after that call last night.’ “Any opportunity to see my Monkey,” Danny replied with a smile.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny visit Grace. Rachel shows compassion and respect for Steve. Grace is a very sneaky but observant child. Lots of revelations and happy fluff!

On their way to Rachel’s, Steve relived the conversation he had with Rachel last night in his mind. ‘Now that she's had a few hours to think in the light of day, has Rachel changed her mind? Does she think I’m some nut job? What about Grace? Will she let me see her?’ Steve was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat and wearing Aneurysm Face #3. Danny could see the dark storm of worry and fear in his eyes and the frown on his face. 

Danny gently placed his hand over Steve’s tapping fingers, looking over at him in concern. “Babe, what’s swirling in that head of yours? "

"It's nothing. No big deal," Steve startles at Danny's touch, shaking his head as if to ward the thoughts away.

"Hey. I know you, remember? You say one thing, but your eyes and face say something entirely different," Danny rubs his thumb softly across Steve's hand, trying to soothe and calm him.  
"Is it something about Grace? Rachel?"

Steve chances a quick glance at Danny, amazed that Danny knows how he thinks.

"What," Danny asks, "You don't think that I know where your mind wanders?"

Steve sighs and answers Danny. "I know you can read me like a book, but it still takes me by surprise sometimes."

"Uh-huh," Danny nods and gives Steve a small grin. He waits for Steve to gather his thoughts.

"It's kind of about both of them. Things always seem different once you've had some time to process it and I can't help but wonder what Rachel thinks of me now that she's heard me come apart at the seams. Will she think less of me? Keep Gracie from me now that she's heard a whole different side of me? I mean I usually don't spend time worrying about what Rachel thinks of me because I'm usually more concerned about how she's treating you in regards to Grace. I don't want my irrational behavior to affect your relationship with both of them."

"Are you listening to yourself, Steve? Because none of this makes any sense. Yes, Rachel heard a whole other side of you. This was a difficult situation to look at, stirring up all sorts of painful feelings and memories. It hit both of us head on, Babe. I want you to put some thoughts into what I'm about to ask you: Have you ever purposely put Grace in harms way? Have you ever abused or neglected her in any way? No, you haven't. If anything, you've shown Rachel how deeply you care for Grace. That you'd do anything for her. While you may have shown Rachel your frightened and vulnerable side, you took the time to ensure that Grace was fine. I think that's what Rachel took away from this. I believe that she respects you so much more. With respect comes trust. I think that she will trust you more from now on," Danny concluded.

Luckily, Steve stopped for a red light. He dropped his head back against the headrest and let out a deep breath. Danny rubbed the side of his cheek and gave his a chaste kiss as the light turned green. A couple of minutes later, they were in front of the black iron gate of Rachel's house.Danny gave Steve's hand on last squeeze as he nodded. 'Let's get this over with,' Danny thought.

They arrived at Rachel’s without any further incident. Danny knocked at her door and Rachel answered. “Good morning, Daniel,” she said briefly before she turned her attention to Steve. “Good morning, Steven. How are you feeling this morning? Are you doing better? You gave me quite a fright last night,” Rachel said with a kind but concerned tone.

Steve automatically put a hand behind his head and tilted his head to the side. He was frowning a bit and not quite meeting her eyes. “Hi Rachel. I’m doing much better, thanks. I just wanted to thank you for last night. You know, for taking my call, calming me down and for being patient with me.” 

“My pleasure, Steven,” Rachel assured him. “All of us go through difficult situations at one time or another and I’m glad I could be of help.” Rachel ducked down to meet Steve’s eyes and smiled at him.

“What about you, Daniel? Are you getting on better this morning,” Rachel asked as she turned to face him.

“Yeah, Rach,” Danny replied, “some in part because of you. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it, Daniel. Don’t forget that I am not always your bitchy ex-wife,” Rachel said with a light joking lilt to her voice.

“Yeah, yeah. You are not always a pain in my ass. You can still be that thoughtful, loving person I once married,” Danny said blushing.

“Daniel, you are so adorable at times. Do you realize that,” Rachel said as she put her hand on his arm gently.

“Uh-huh,” Danny mumbled uncomfortably before looking at Steve. He hoped that Steve wasn’t feeling insecure or jealous of Rachel and his comments. He still looked a bit nervous and embarrassed.

“Come in,” Rachel cordially invited both of them in, “Grace should be down…”

“Danno! Uncle Steve! You’re here,” Grace exclaimed and interrupted her mother as she launched herself first at Danno with a tight bear hug and then moved to hug Steve a little tighter and longer than usual. ‘Does she know,’ Steve wondered.

Steve looked up at Rachel, “Can Danny and I take Gracie out for brunch?”

"Of course. You are welcome to keep her for the rest of today and through tomorrow if you'd like. So long as you bring her home tomorrow night by 8:00. She has school early in the morning,” Rachel replied kindly.

“Thanks, Rachel, but Danny and I have some paperwork we need to finish by Monday so we’ll bring her back when we’re done with brunch. “ Steve smiled at Rachel.

“Awww, Uncle Steve. Can’t I come over for a little while,” whined Grace.

Danny knew Steve couldn’t say no so he spoke up for both of them. “We’re really sorry, Monkey, but this paperwork has to be done by Monday or we’ll be in trouble,” Danny smiled at his daughter. “Seriously though, Monkey, we’d really love to, but not this weekend. We’ll make it up to you on Wednesday night. It’s your night to choose what we’re going to have for dinner.”

“Okay, Danno,” Grace sighed. “At least we still have brunch. Can we go to Auntie Amy’s café for chocolate chip pancakes?”

“Great choice, Gracie,” Steve answered, “Pancakes are my favorite!”

“I know, Uncle Steve. That’s why I picked it,” Grace said happily.

Danny quickly glanced over Grace’s shoulder at Rachel, smiled and mouthed, “Thanks.” Rachel gave him a smile and a nod in return.

___***___

Danny walked into the café. “Hey, Amy! We’re here for pancakes,” Danny called out and caught Amy’s attention. Amy came out of the kitchen and walked to the front door of her café to greet them. 

“Howzit, Partner,” Amy asked with a big smile and a bear hug for Danny. She nicknamed him ‘Partner’ because Danny was Meka's partner at HPD before his death. The nickname recognized Danny as Meka’s partner, friend and brother. The name ‘Partner’ was also bitter sweet for both of them because it was a reminder that Meka was gone. In her eyes, Danny would always be a member of her Ohana.

“Amy,” Danny scolded, “don’t give me any of that Hawaiian Pidgin! I’m having a pretty good morning seeing you and being with my two favorite people.

“Hi, Amy,” Steve smiled, bent down and gave her a hug.

“Good Morning, Auntie Amy,” Grace said, reaching to hug her aunt.

“Gracie,” Amy exclaimed, “You are getting so tall. In fact, I think you are almost taller than me. Billy is, too. I wish he were here. He sometimes helps here at the café on the weekend. He would have loved to have seen you.”

“Oh, bummer,” Grace replied, “I would have liked to have seen him, too.” They’d been friends forever and met when Danny and Meka first became partners at HPD.

Grace sat at the head of the table with Steve and Danny on either side of her.

“So, are you all having your usual,” Amy smiled as she leaned on the corner of Danny’s chair and could see all of their faces. Everyone nodded smiling.

Amy wrote down their order as she recited it by memory. “Let’s see. Chocolate chip pancakes for Grace, banana nut pancakes and a huge cup of coffee for my Partner and macadamia nut pancakes with pineapple syrup for Steve, right?” 

Danny raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Damn Amy. You’ve got quite a memory, Babe!” Steve and Grace also raised their eyebrows in awe.

While waiting for their food, they had a very enlightening conversation. “So, Uncle Steve, are you feeling better?” Grace asked while she put a hand over his. Her brown eyes reflected concern. “It’s okay that you left me for a few minutes. I’m fine. Nothing happened. I’m really okay. Don’t worry.”

Steve looked at Grace. His fears were confirmed. Grace did know, but how. Did Rachel tell her all about it? “Grace,” Steve said as fear and uncertainty could be heard in his voice. “How did you know about my nightmares?”

Grace released Steve’s hand and was suddenly staring at her lap and fumbling with the hem of her shirt. “Well…, when the phone rang last night, it woke me up. Mom always said when the phone rang in the mind of the night, it was usually bad news. I sat in front of Mom’s bedroom and um…eavesdropped on both calls.”

“Grace,” Danny said sternly, “You know your mom and I told you not eavesdrop. It’s not respectful.”

“But, Danno,” Grace said defensively, “she was talking to Uncle Steve and she sounded worried. Then, Mom called you, Danno. Even though I couldn’t hear you, I heard Mom. Both of you were having nightmares. Both of you were alone. I was worried about both of you. I had to eavesdrop. I wanted to help.”

“Okay, Monkey,” Danny conceded. “I guess I’d have to agree with you; just this once though.” Danny couldn’t help but be a little embarrassed that Grace heard Rachel chewing him out.

“You did help, Gracie,” Steve chimed in, “my dreams lead me to call your mom and we talked through things – she was very kind, letting me know you were fine and I could come visit you tomorrow.”

“My mom sounded worried about you,” Grace said furrowing her brown eyes in concern.

“She was so worried that she called Danno right after she spoke to me to see what going on.”

“Yeah and Mommy sounded really mad at Danno,” Gracie turned to look at her father.

“Uh huh,” Danny replied anxiously, “but she convinced me to go see Steve.”

“Danno met me at the door. After a long conversation through the night, we understood the reasons for our nightmares and we realized that we love each other. I’d love nothing better than to have you and Danno as my family for the rest of our lives,” Steve finished with a look of love staring briefly into Danny’s eyes then turning to Gracie a look of warm fondness for Gracie. “What do you think, Grace-face? Would you like that?”

Just like Danny, Grace thought it over for what felt like forever and Steve began to freak out. 'I thought she was on board with this for sure. Is she having second thoughts?'

“Yay, it’s about time,” Grace exclaimed with a bit of attitude. “Now you won’t be a ‘thing’ anymore.”

“Monkey,” Danny said stern and scolding, “don’t you talk to me with teenage attitude.” He looked at her seriously, “you were eavesdropping on Steve and me. I told you what I thought about eavesdropping. So, for punishment for your actions, I will confiscate your cell phone for two weeks.”

“Danno, go easy on her,” Steve pleaded. “While eavesdropping isn't good,” he said looking at Grace sternly then looked at Danny, “because of the circumstances she should only get one instead of two weeks.”

Steve gave an insecure look, but it quickly went away when Grace got up to hug both of them. “Of course, I’d love for you to be a part of our family. Can I call you ‘Daddy,’ Uncle Steve?”

Steve sighed in relief as happy tears fell down his face. “Yes, Gracie. Daddy it is.”

“Tommy has two dads,” Grace explained, “His dads had a commitment ceremony, which is like getting married. Are you and Danno going to do that, too?”

Grace’s question floored them. Amy showed up, juggling all three meals, just in time with their order to distract the answer with the pancakes. “Chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate and caramel on the side for Grace. Macadamia Nut pancakes with a side of pineapple syrup for Steve and banana nut pancakes and a huge cup of coffee for my Partner here. Dig in and enjoy.”

Steve began shoveling the pancakes in his mouth, moaning about the deliciousness of them; melt in his mouth delicious. Danny was having an identical reaction to the meal. 

'It’s really scary how much she is like Danno. Once she needs to get an answer, she stubbornly holds on until she gets it.' Steve smirked at Grace’s tenacity to restate the question when she brought it up again after they'd been eating for a little bit.

“Well, uh, Monkey,” we still have some issues and problems to resolve before we go into a commitment ceremony,” Grace’s face scrunches up in worry and confusion. Seeing his daughter’s fear, he explains further. “Grace that does mean that we won’t commit to each other. It just means we need a little more time to work through the stuff you know about and a difficult case or two. We love each other. You know that.”

Steve chimed in, holding Danny’s hand, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Now that we have confessed to loving each other and including you in our tiny Ohana, we are never leaving. We’ll cross the commitment ceremony subject very soon, I promise,” Steve looked into Grace’s eyes with strength, sincerity and truth.

“Okay, then,” it was Grace’s turn to sigh, satisfied with Steve and Danny’s response before digging into her pancakes with vigor and enthusiasm.

Stuffed to the gills, all three of them headed back to Rachel’s house. As they arrived there, both Steve and Danny got out of the car and Danny pulled his bucket seat to allow Grace to get out. 

Grace turned to look at both of them. “Are you sure you can’t stay longer or go out with me. Pleeease, Danno? Daddy?” Grace pulled out all the stops with her perfect puppy dog face – pouting, lower lip sticking out as far as he could go, staring up at her dads her brown chocolate eyes pleading.

Although neither of them were immune to that look, finishing their homework was vital. ‘Oh boy! She’s really laying it on thick. We already told her earlier that we couldn’t. She can be a persistent nag like both Rachel and me. I wonder what it really is. Is she is afraid for us. Is she trying to distract them from having another horrifying night?’

“Monkey, as I already said before, we really would love to see you longer, but we can’t, “Danno said gently yet firmly. Remember that I mentioned some issues that Uncle Steve... uh I mean Daddy and I need to work through,” Danny asked Grace. She nodded her head as her father continued, “That is why we have to go home now. Our counselor gave us homework, which is how all the nightmares came up. Writing about how much Daddy and I mean to each other, we also worked through some fears around you being hurt or kidnapped and Steve being hurt in his father’s car.”

Steve was giving Grace another hug and twirling her while Danny looked up at Rachel to gauge her reaction to Steve suddenly being called ‘Daddy.’ She cocked her head to one side with a smirk mouthing, ‘Daddy?’ Danny nodded and smiled widely at his ex-wife. Steve was so busy with Grace that he was oblivious to this whole silent conversation that Danno and Rachel were having. 

Grace was frowning, but nodded her head in understanding and agreement. “Okay, Danno. I understand. I’ll see you both Wednesday.”

_____*****_____

The ride back to their house was quiet yet comfortable. Both of them were contemplating the rest of their writing assignment. Steve placed his hand on Danny’s thigh and Danny rested his hand on Steve’s.

Steve stopped at a red light and looked over at Danny. “We’re going to be all right now, you know?” Steve said as he looked Danny in his eyes.

Danny looked slightly bewildered as Steve clarified. “Our writing assignment. We got through the worst of it. While we might unearth something about other people or things, I think we got to the core of our fears. There’s nothing that is going to drive us apart. EVER!”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny continue to write. Danny writes about Matt and stops; too painful for him to go on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>    
> *** AUTHOR'S NOTE ***
> 
> Sorry, Teelsie! I had inadvertently forgotten to credit her for her permission to use the section (as quoted below) from her story, "Crazy in Love." It went perfectly in this chapter as Danny went searching for Steve. Thank you for allowing me to use this and for reminding me.
> 
> "Ever since their twin-tragedies, neither seemed to want to be too far from the other for any length of time. It was as though they drew strength from each other and sought the other out as a touchstone to ground them to what was still real and true and constant."

As they took out their homework assignments, Steve and Danny headed for their familiar chairs overlooking the beach. Both of them sat, bent their knees and curled their feet at the front edge of their chairs. Sitting in this position, they now had a makeshift desk to put their notebooks on and continued their writing. Steve flipped his notebook open to find his marker and continued to write where he had left off last night. Before long, he drifted off in thought.

 

 _'Had it really only been since last night?'_ Thank God that they still had the weekend to continue digging into their experiences. For Steve, It was like a few days to a week ago that they had experienced the dreams that drew them together; first in fear, then in pain, then in comfort and finally love.

_I’ve seen and experienced a lot during my missions, I've never felt the way I did that first night; that deep soul crushing fear that I probably came close to feeling only once before. It_ _could_ _have been a panic attack. Those scenes from my dreams topped anything I had before. Even beyond the recurring PTSD dreams where I relive a mission gone bad and friends on my team had been killed, nightmares about Gracie and Danno strike a place beyond my mind and body memory as a SEAL. I love them both so deeply that seeing them dead ripped through my heart, my soul and my feelings, leaving me an open wound for all to see and hear.'_

 

“Earth to Steve,” Danny said as he waved his hand in front of Steve’s face. “Helloooo, where are you?”

 

Steve briefly recognized Danny’s hand waving before turning to look at him. Danny looked worried. “Hey, Danno. You’re sitting awfully close to me. No cheating!” Steve tried to deflect from Danny’s concerned expression.

 

“What are we? Ten,” Danny snarked, without his usual vigor. “As if I’d copy you, Army Boy! Should I cover my answers or get a book to block you?” Danny asked with a slight grin on his face.

 

“Danno, not Army! Navy! And may I remind you that I graduated as valedictorian of my class from Annapolis,” Steve retaliated without any heat behind it. He took Danny’s hand and rubbed his thumb along the top of it in a gesture of love and reassurance.

 

“Okay,” Steve said quietly, “let’s do this.”

 

He picked up his pen and began writing, stopping every so often to look up and chew on the top of it in thought:

 

 _'I may as well get this over with; the sooner the better.'_ Frowning down at the page, he began to write:

  * _I treasure Grace (for additional reasons besides what I wrote earlier)_



o   _She has enabled _me to relax and_ no longer fear children. Grace helped me to tap into the child in me, the fun, laughing, smiling part of me that has been buried deep below many layers since my mother died, I joined the Navy and became a SEAL and my father’s death. Like her father, Grace has taught me about kindness, unconditional love and acceptance. Just being around her makes me feel warm, kind and loving from the core of my being that she shares with her father._

o   _She shows me that I am capable of being a friend and a father figure in her life. She has worn away at sharp edges that I projected to the outside world for fear of being vulnerable, hurt and abandoned and rounded them into a more open and honest person. She went right through my defenses the first time she met me._

o   _Grace and Danny complete me as they join me in a nuclear family. While Danny and I still work on our issues, it is with confidence that I can say that we will have a commitment ceremony and that I am not going anywhere. I am 100% committed to this family._

o   _Lastly, she is more than just a child. With all her experiences, her perspective, passion and understanding are incredible. She sees the insanity of the world through my and Danno’s eyes, the woes of a broken marriage first through her mother and Danno and then through her mother and Step Stan. While she doesn’t like the chaos, she accepts it and moves through her life with courage and honesty. Like Danno, her passion is for justice, for doing the right thing, for understanding ugly criminal situations that her fathers (Danno and Daddy) deal with. She will not accept being spoken down to as a small child and wants to be told the truth. It encourages me to be a more honest, respectful and humble adult. I don’t hash out any unnecessary bloodshed or graphic depictions of violence; she challenges me to tell her the truth._

o   _I love her because she has an inner strength, honesty and endless propensity for love that I am grateful to be a part of. Someday soon, I am looking forward to being a f_ _ather to her and having my own family._

  * _I treasure Kono_



o   _I’ve gotten to know her and watched her grow into a hard working police officer. I’m proud to be able to call her my adopted younger sister and my protégé. Even as early as our first case, I felt an urgent need to protect her when Sang Min confirmed with HPD’s mole that she was a cop. She is beautiful, smart, confident and powerful._

o   _Kono is tactile and loving. She showed me unconditional love with her hugs and encouraging words. She formed and welcomed me into our Five-0 Ohana. Kono (and the rest of the Ohana) saw me through rough times with a soft heart. Despite her warmth and tenderness, she could still kick anyone’s ass if they provoked her or tried to hurt our Ohana. She provided something that I desperately needed and treasured– Ohana._

  * _I treasure Chin_



o   _He represented a familiar face and a common past. Our connection began at Kukui High. Despite our age difference, we shared the bond that we’d both been successful high school quarterbacks. He also represented a connection to my father. When Chin was a rookie, my father was his CO. I knew I could trust him when I asked if the allegations from HPD were true and he answered with a confident 'no'. Furthermore, I trusted in my father's judgment when it came to trusting Chin. At the time, I felt there was more to the story about the incident that removed him from HPD, but I still felt that Chin was on the up and up. When I later found out the details behind the incident, I respected him even more. The lengths he went to protect his uncle despite being abandoned by the rest of his family spoke volumes about the kind of person Chin was in that situation._

o   _I never had an older brother or another relative I could consider an older brother. I suspect on some level Danny feels the same as I do. There’s an old adage – “You are like the older brother I never had.” Chin fits that bill for both of us. Danny and I are the same age and Kono is a great deal younger than us. Chin has at least seven years of experience on Danny and me, but I can’t help but be in awe and grateful to have him as part of the Ohana. When others describe me as serious or stoic, I am under the impression that people either fear me or are intimidated by me. As Danny once told me, a couple of older boys had befriended Gracie. They looked out for her because she was a great kid and she had a crush on one of them. The boys were respectful partially because they were good kids, but were also fearful of him (“Commander McGarrett’s Bat Shit Crazy protective behavior”)._ _While Chin could also be serious and stoic, I feel that he takes on a quiet, calm and wise demeanor that displays his wisdom.  Having said that though, I would never question his fierceness or aggressive side. He can be a scary bad ass in the blink of an eye, especially when people he cares about are in danger. He is fiercely loyal and protective of Danny and me, but extremely protective of Kono (his younger cousin). I respect his opinion and perspective on things as a veteran police officer. More importantly, I am grateful for his friendship. It was his calm straightforward words that urged me to take a chance and the next step with Danny towards a romantic relationship._

 

Steve put the notebook down, putting the marker back to holding his place. He stood up from his chair, clasping his hands above his head and stretching. Danny looked up from his notebook to see if his partner was okay.

 

“You okay, Babe,” Danny looked up in concern.

 

“Yeah, Danno. I just needed a breather,” Steve answered, sitting, “thinking and writing about feelings is tiring. How ‘bout you join me in a beer and pizza break? I have pizza left over from last night.”

 

“I’ll have a beer, but I don’t know about pizza. Do you have any **normal** pizza? You know, mozz, dough and….”

 

“Sauce. I know, I know, Danno. Yes, there is **normal** pizza,” Steve answered. The air quotes were implied and Danny snorted. “The guys at Ailani’s know us so well that they just made us our usual, one large half ham and pineapple pizza and the other half plain with extra cheese, without me even ordering!” Steve half smirked at Danny.

 

“Okay then, bring on the pizza and the beer, Babe, but only one bottle,” Danny cautioned, “we still have more writing to do.”

 

“One slice of Hawaiian pizza for me, one plain slice for you and two beers coming right up,” Steve says heading for the house.

 

+=+

 

While they ate, the two of them made small talk about what or whom they’d written about so far. Steve told Danny that he had written a fair amount on Gracie, giving Danny a loving grin. He had also told him that he’d also written about Chin and Kono. Danny smiled widely, noting that he had done so as well.

 

“How about that, Babe,” Danny declared enthusiastically and encouragingly, “you’ve already   surpassed the minimum requirements for your homework. Doc said to writing on five things or people that you treasure and why. You’ve written a lot more than that. Writing about feelings. I told you that you are becoming more human each day.” Danny gave Steve a gentle lingering kiss and hug.

 

“Thanks, Danno,” he said lovingly. “It’s hard for me to believe that I had all this stuff to write on and more.”

 

Steve took the dishes and empty beer bottles to the kitchen. He had brought his notebook in as a way to balance what he was taking to the kitchen. Once he was done in the kitchen, he felt he needed a change in scenery. He sat down at his father’s desk and continued writing. It seemed fitting since he was about to write about Mary and Nahele next.

  * _I treasure Mary_



o   _It wasn’t until she was kidnapped and stuffed in the trunk of a car that I realized that – despite Kono – Mary is my little sister and I wasn’t about to lose her again. I couldn’t lose her. She was all the immediate family I had left (I don’t count Doris)._

o   _It was painful when we had to say goodbye again when I sent her back to L.A. for her own safety; just as Dad had done_

    * _Finally seeing her attempting to find her way was the last step towards our reconciliation. While she still seemed to stumble from job to job, I began to see and respect her for her efforts. Still going from one job to another, but somehow she was beginning to change. She began to come around more often._
    * _As stubborn as all McGarretts (including myself) were, I couldn’t keep her away. I had to give her credit for her perseverance. First, she returned as a flight attendant. Then, she was a caretaker. Last, she brought her adopted daughter, Joan.  It was Joanie who caused her to stay and make Hawaii home again._
    * _I am so grateful that Mary’s back in my life. She was the only one (before Danno) that could see right through the serious, stoic, bad ass Navy SEAL that the outside world sees and call me on my bullshit, putting me in my place. While Chin and Kono gently peeled through all my layers, Mary saw no boundaries and introduced the Ohana to the human side of me and the goofball playful brother side of me._
    * _With the presence of Joanie and the support of our Ohana, Mary finally grew up and found her way. I am happy to have my real younger sister back and that she is also a part of our Five-0 Ohana. The McGarrett family is so different than it had been when I was growing up. Despite what Danny says, I am an adult human and the only remaining male McGarrett; then, there’s my sister, Mary, my niece, Joanie, my Aunt Deb and her husband, Leonard._


  *       _I treasure Nahele_



o   _I was grateful to meet and help him despite the circumstances._

o   _In the beginning, I was angry with him. He stole the Marquis that lead to the whole situation that this homework is based on. However as I listened to him, his voice was dripping with regret, remorse and something I couldn’t put a label to.  It was something familiar and it resonated in me. He was in need. He was lost. He had no one and he needed a second chance. He reminded me of what it could have been like for me had I been set loose instead of going to Annapolis. I felt a sense of compassion and forgiveness because here before me was a kid who had broken the law and caused so much fear and anger within me, but I could help him. I could do something to help him. I felt an obligation to help him because I could. There was nothing I could do for those four boys who suffered and died for nothing over thirty years ago. Four boys who were in a juvenile facility for crimes they’d committed, but nothing warranted the abuse that the boys suffered to die and be buried directly in front of the building in which they died_ _Nahele, I could be there for him._

o   _Helping him makes me feel good. I felt that for once I was making a positive difference in someone’s life. What began as a crime ended up as a friendship and an opportunity for me to mentor someone. He gave me the opportunity to be a father figure where he had none in his life. I had the chance to do it differently than how my father had handled things at his age._

  *       _I treasure my dad (for additional reasons)_



o   _While I resented him sending Mary and me away, he saw to it that we had family or places to settle into. Had it not been for Annapolis, I don't know what kind of person I would have become. I could have very easily gotten lost and in trouble with the law just for my dad's attention. Instead, I was given a sense of direction and purpose. We worked a case recently, where it was discovered that some boys were found buried at a juvenile detention site and with the exception of one person, no one knew they were missing. Now I can’t get the idea out of my head that I could have ended up in a place like that had it not been for my dad and Annapolis._

  *       _I treasure the Five-0 Ohana_



o   _Chin, Kono, Danny had orchestrated rescuing me out of North Korea, Afghanistan and at the hands of Wo Fat. They have always had my back._

  *       _I treasure the extended Ohana as well_



o   _Grace, Kamekona, Max, Adam welcomed me with open arms and returning to Navy life seemed less important. Mary. Joanie, Aunt Deb and Leonard are Ohana as well as Lou, his wife Renee, their daughter Samantha and their son. Danny’s family in Jersey became a family who loved me, supported me and gave me a reason stay in Hawaii and be myself. They gave me purpose and fierce loyalty that are valuable to me that I would put my life on the line to save them._

 

____________******______________

 

Danny’s knees were beginning to ache. It alerted him to the fact that he needed to move to another spot. He’d noticed that Steve was taking a while to come back so he figured it was a good time.

 

Danny stood, stretched a bit, picked up his notebook and strolled two houses over to where their neighbor, Mrs. Kehoa, had a picnic table set up in front of her section of beach. She had always told them that they were welcome to use it if they wanted a table to sit at in front of the beach. He sat down, opened his book and decided to reread what he had written about Chin and Kono before he went any further.

  *       _I treasure Chin_



o   _When we first met him in the gift shop that first day, I was impressed. He was warm and welcoming when he saw Steve. After Steve introduced me to him with a brief back-story of how they knew each other, Chin’s mannerism changed when Steve said he needed information from him.  His body language automatically focused on what Steve needed. There was an intensity emanating from him that screamed BAMF police detective. He was all business who seemed to be ‘in the know’ and more than willing to help Steve. When I found out the true reason why he was no longer a cop, I knew he didn’t take the money. He was too committed in his ingrained police morals to have done it. As we got to know each other through working as a team, I appreciated the inner calmness at the core of Chin’s being. While I often tease him by calling him the ‘Zen master,’ I am grateful to have him as a friend. His rational calmness is the complete opposite of the angry impulsiveness that Steve and I have and it often settles us down. His years of experience with HPD combined with his calmness and age makes me love and respective him as the older brother I never had. Steve must feel similarly because when something is bothering us that we can’t settle, we both turn to Chin who will listen to us and gives us his wise opinions._

  *       _I treasure Kono_



o   _When I first saw her come out of the surf, I was immediately attracted to her beauty and strength **.** Sadly, Chin protected her with both his words and tone. From the start, I could see that Chin strongly protected his young cousin as if she were his little sister._

o   _Then, I saw her put that surfer down with a right hook. Time and again, she demonstrated her bad ass fighting skills with her fists, her karate moves and especially that wicked roundhouse kick of hers. She has a mischievous side that makes me laugh. Her hugs, empathy and caring are what warms my heart. She is someone I can turn to when I need someone to listen and provide comfort when I am emotionally hurting. Kono is no longer an infatuation or crush for me, but she is a treasured friend;someone that Steve, Chin and I feel the need to protect like a younger sister even though we know she can hold her own._

  * _I treasure Matt_



o   _What can I say about Matty? I treasured him because he was my little brother and my best friend. We fought madly as kids at home to the point where Pop went out and bought each of us a pair of boxing gloves so we could 'duke it out and be done with it'. In the outside world, I would do everything within my power to protect him. While I could hurl insults and fighting words at Matty, no one else was ever allowed to. I’d see to that. I got in a lot of fistfights in order to protect him._

o   _As I’ve said often, I regret and blame myself for not protecting my little brother. While the gunshot would have hurt, it would have saved him from getting on that plane and being killed mercilessly._

o   _Why did I treasure Matty? Because he was my brother and my best friend. While I would do anything to protect him, he in turn would do anything to comfort me. I still remember, with gratitude, that time that he 'babysat' me when Rachel confessed to having an affair with Stan and my world crumbled. In was then that our roles reversed; he became the big brother to protect me (from myself). He was much taller than me and could comfort and assure me unlike anyone else that I would be okay. His heart was as big as he was tall. I still can’t think about him without blaming myself, without feeling like I have lost half of myself, without feeling that there’s a gaping hole in my heart that somehow feels like it will never be filled. It also makes me feel guilty. I love Steve with all my heart and as hokey as it sounds, he completes me. There will never be anyone else for me to love and call lover, partner, and husband for the rest of my life and beyond. How can I feel this way for Steve and yet feel so lost without Matty. I just don’t get it._

 

Danny couldn’t take it anymore. He closed his notebook and went looking for Steve.

 

The back door opened and Steve could hear footsteps walking through the kitchen.

 

“Hey, Babe, where are you?” Danny called out.

 

Danny’s voice sounded anxious, nervous and a little fearful. Ever since their twin-tragedies, neither seemed to want to be too far from the other for any length of time. It was as though they drew strength from each other and sought the other out as a touchstone to ground them to what was still real and true and constant.

 

“I’m here, Danno. At my dad’s desk,” Steve answered.

 

As Danny came into the study, Steve looked at him with concern. Danny's face appeared pale and drawn. His eyes reflected pain, guilt and grief. Danny looked wreaked, guilty and haunted, which could only mean one thing. Danny had been writing about Matt.

 

“You’ve asked me a couple of times today if I was okay and I didn’t think to ask you. Are you okay,” Steve asked even though he knew the answer.

 

Danny couldn’t meet Steve’s eyes and simply shook his head to silently answer, ‘no.’

 

“Having a hard time, aren’t you, Baby?” Steve swung his chair around and reached out to Danny. Danny came to sit in his lap. Steve wrapped one of his arms tightly around him while he took the other arm and wrapped it around his back. Steve ran his hand up and down Danny’s back to soothe him.

 

Danny felt safe in Steve’s arms as he whispered over and over, “Go ahead and cry, Danno. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay.”

"Thanks, Babe. I need to keep hearing that,” Danny whispered barely getting the words out before burying his face against Steve’s chest and sobbing.

 

Steve continued to hold him tight and rub his back. As the sobs began to quiet down, Danny was beginning to fall asleep. Steve gently scooted around Danny and got up. He pulled a sleepy Danny upstairs to bed.

 

\------******-----

 

Danny leaned heavily on Steve all the way up to their bedroom. Steve poured Danny into bed. Danny didn't wake up when he was on the bed. It was literally as if Steve had yanked a sleepwalking Danny the entire way. He grinned slightly when he went to remove Danny's mismatched socks. For all the ranting Danny did about dressing like a professional police detective, enforcing his traditional long sleeved dress shirt and still fighting the fact that his Ohana would not let him wear ties, Danny seemed to have this strange rebellious fetish about wearing mismatched socks. Steve shook his head as he proceeded to remove Danny's pants and shirt, leaving him in his boxers. He tucked him into bed, got undressed and rolled on his side to face his partner. Steve stared at Danny's face. The stress lines of his forehead and eyes relaxed and were nearly invisible. While he slept the sleep of the near dead, Steve knew that thinking and writing about Matt really wore him out. He ran his fingers gently through his partner's sun bleached blonde hair, causing Danny to utter a soft moan in his sleep. Even with the deadly torture that Steve suffered at the hands of Wo Fat, he felt that Danny's loss of Matt was far worse.  He was trained to withstand torture (although it looked as if he might not survive this time). It was more of a physical and psychological pain he endured. Danny lost his blood brother, his best friend, his sidekick and the hole left in Danny's heart seemed unfathomable. Steve hoped that Sunday brought him the strength to write about the gratitude he felt for the rest of his family because his parents and remaining siblings as well as extended family members mean everything to him. Steve spooned Danny and was soon asleep himself.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny return to Dr. Harrison's office. Danny learns more about therapy. Both of them discuss the assignment. Some old feelings surface for Danny and throws Steve for a loop. It's all good in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beta, Simplyn2deep, for baring with me through this year old story. Thanks to all who are still here and interested to continue to see this story to the end.

A reddish golden light begins to stream through the blinds of Steve and Danny’s bedroom. Steve is wide awake because his body is accustomed to waking up every morning at 6:00 a.m. to go for a swim or run. Steve is lying on his back holding Danny as Danny rests his head between Steve’s left shoulder and chest. Danny has curled his body in towards Steve, wrapping his arms around him and ensuring that his whole body is adhered to Steve’s. It’s a role reversal of sorts since Danny is usually sleeping on his back or side with Steve wrapped all around him tightly like an octopus.

 

Steve gently lifts his right arm that was resting around Danny’s middle to rub his hand over his face. Steve is exhausted and opts to skip his morning exercise routine to remain in bed, protecting Danny from his nightmares. Two nights ago, both of them were terrorized by nightmares of losing each other.

 

Last night, Steve barely slept since Danny was constantly tortured by nightmares about Matt and Marco Reyes. Danny thrashed around when having nightmares and would stop when Steve managed to run his fingers through Danny’s hair while mumbling soft reassuring words and wrap his top arm around him tightly. Steve’s actions would appease Danny as he relaxed and drifted off to sleep. What seemed like minutes later, Danny would repeat the same nightmare process? This went on again and again throughout the night.

 

Unable to move from the bed, Steve looks down at Danny’s sleeping face. He notes that instead of the relaxed, wrinkle-free youthful face that graces Danny while he sleeps, it is replaced by a tense face, eyes squeezed shut, brows furling, mouth slightly opened and teeth grinding. It breaks Steve’s heart to see Danny like this, feeling sad and helpless because he is unable to rescue Danny from his own personal hell. Steve’s been there so many times with dreams that remind him of the horrors he saw while he was a SEAL. Steve returns his arm to rest on Danny’s middle and sighs as he continues to stare at Danny’s face before dozing off.

 

About an hour later, Danny startles Steve awake by screaming and bolting upright. Danny’s eyes are open but unseeing. His heart is beating quickly; he’s breathing heavily and breaking out into a sweat.  Steve barely dodges Danny when he begins punching and yelling at Reyes.

 

It takes Steve a couple of attempts to wake Danny. Steve calls out Danny’s name firmly while holding and shaking his forearms gently. Danny blinks his eyes and tries to focus. He turns to focus directly on Steve’s face, expressing fear with his wide blue eyes. Danny tentatively reaches his hand out to stroke Steve’s cheek. Steve looks back at him with concerned but caring eyes.

 

“Danny, are you with me? Baby, it was a nightmare. You’re safe in bed with me. You’re okay, Danno. You’re right here in our bedroom at home.”

 

Danny blinks, looking back and forth slowly between Steve’s troubled hazel eyes and his hand that is stroking Steve’s cheek.  Danny begins to relax and his breathing slows to normal and he places both hands on Steve’s face and kisses him gently. Steve can taste the saltiness of Danny’s tears on his lips.

 

Steve pulls away from the kiss to ask, “are you feeling better, Danny? What can I do to help you? What do you need?”

 

Danny looks into Steve’s face. “Can you please hold me a bit longer,” Danny begs. “I need to feel your hold to ground me.”

 

“Did you need to talk about your dreams,” Steve asks thoughtfully.

 

“There’s not much to say. Every time I’d settle down to sleep, I returned to Columbia. I’d witness Reyes order his thugs to kill Matty. I was bound to something where I was close enough to watch but unable to move. The thugs proceeded to beat him while I was forced to watch and listen to him scream, yell and plead at me to save him over and over again. I was crying hysterically, reaching out to him but unable to move from my spot. I watched my younger brother get beaten into a pulp than barely resembled a human.

 

Matt’s pleas got softer and weaker as time went on. Then, his voice went silent and he was lying still. The thugs stood looking down at him as one of them used his foot to roll him around to make sure he was dead. One of them left and returned with a barrel. They proceeded to lift and shove him down into it.  As I saw them putting the lid on it, I could see that son of a bitch Reyes out of the corner of my eye walking over and giving the men a brief nod and smug grin of satisfaction before sauntering back into the shadows. I didn’t help him. I couldn’t help him, Steve,” Danny agonized.

 

“I’m so sorry, Danny. So so sorry,” Steve said as he rubbed Danny’s back and nuzzled the top of Danny’s head.

 

Danny buried his head into Steve’s chest and sobbed loudly as Steve continued to rub his back and cradle Danny’s shaking body.

 

As Danny’s sobs became quieter and his body slowly stopped shaking, Steve lifted Danny’s chin and gave him a short soft kiss. “Do you feel up for a shower with me? We should start getting ready to go. We have an appointment with Doc in about an hour and a half.”

 

Danny nodded and began to scoot to the edge of the bed. Steve rushed over to give Danny a hand up pulled him gently over to the bathroom. Steve got into the shower first and then ushered Danny in. Then, Steve turned on the water and washed Danny’s hair and body. Danny leaned into Steve comfortably.

 

Once they had showered and dressed, Danny had had his first cup of coffee. Danny seemed to be calmer, but still quiet.  “We should get going now, Babe,” Danny said softly. His voice was barely audible, sounding vulnerable, fearful, depressed and tired.

 

“Yeah. It’s time. You up for this, Danny,” Steve asked concerned.

 

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Danny replied. “I need to get this all off my chest. I can’t take anymore.”

 

“I know, Babe. I know,” Steve agreed.

 

___*****___

 

“Hi. Steve. Hi, Danny. Come on in and have a seat,” Dr. Harrison said. She immediately noticed the somber, exhausted appearance of both her patients - a stark difference from when she last saw them. Instead of taking separate chairs, they sat on a couch sitting close to each other.

 

“I can already see that both of you are feeling drastically different from when I last saw you.  Danny, what came up for you this weekend? Did you do your homework assignment?

 

“Um…yeah,” Danny said weakly and wearily.  Without another word, Danny was distracted, eyes unseeing, staring towards the window over Dr. Harrison’s shoulder. He was back in Columbia, coming out of the building where he had just shot Reyes. Danny shielded his eyes against the bright sunlight. It was scorching hot, dry and dusty as Danny tried to half carry, half roll the barrel with his brother’s remains across the ground.

 

Dr. Harrison waited for his response for a few moments, looking at Danny with a tilt of her head and a look of concern on her face. Steve couldn’t face the silence any longer, fear and worry radiating off him in waves. He grasped Danny harder with the hand around his shoulder, shook him a bit, and then placed two fingers under Danny’s chin and turning his face towards him. Steve panicked at the blank expression in Danny’s eyes.

 

“Danno, come back to me. Look at me,” His voice quivered slightly as he took his shaking fingers and gently stroked Danny’s cheek.

 

Danny winced and blinked his eyes as he tried to focus on Steve’s face. He tilted his head to look at Steve’s face confused. Looking directly into Steve’s eyes, he startled, “Huh? What?”

 

Steve blew out a sigh of relief, but still looking worried.  “Danno, you sort of checked out just now, staring out the window. Are you okay? Are you back? Do you remember where we are?”

 

Danny wiped a hand over his face and nodded. “Yeah, we’re in Doc’s office” Danny answered as he turned to face Dr. Harrison, not looking at her. Embarrassed, Danny drew a hand through his hair, looked down at the floor and bit on his lip.

 

Slowly, he brought his head up and looked up at her. “Sorry, Doc,” Danny looked lost as he spoke. “I rarely ever do that. It’s just that…well, this weekend was…,” Danny pursed his lips in thought for the right word, “really intense and traumatic.” He looked deathly pale – a stark contrast to dark circles under his eyes.

 

“Danny,” Dr. Harrison spoke calmly, “do you want to talk about what just happened.”

 

“Don’t you want to skim over what I wrote first,” Danny avoided the question as he reached for his journal and tried to hand it to her.

 

“No, Danny. The homework was an exercise in writing,” Dr. Harrison responded as she drew up her hand to stop him from handing it to her. “And, to coin the phrase, ‘getting in touch with your feelings.’

 

As she expected, Danny and Steve simultaneously frowned, rolled their eyes and cross their arms.

 

“Wait. I know,” the doctor responded empathetically, raising her hands trying to placate their sarcasm. “This phrase sounds trite and of stereotypical psychotherapy. However, I’ve witnessed it with myself and others that the act of writing draws out our thoughts and feelings much more thoroughly than just talking about them. I think it’s because somehow writing it down on paper makes things more concrete, organizing and clarifying what’s going on in our minds.”

 

Danny glared at Dr. Harrison, preparing for a rant. “Okay. So this fucking homework assignment was a tool for ‘getting in touch’ with my feelings? Isn’t that we’re here for. Talking about my feelings.  Why the hell would I need to dredge up even more pain and nightmares for the purpose of this homework assignment if you’re not even going to bother with read it or at least glance at it? Damn psychobabble! This is a fucking waste of my time,” Danny growled and got up to leave when Steve grabbed his arm and pull him back to sit on the couch.

 

Steve knew Danny’s tones. This rant was a smokescreen to cover up how terrifying it was for him to face all his worst fears and nightmares. Steve did read it and saw that what Danny wrote was dead on what he felt. “Danny, sit down and hear her out.”

 

“Danny, I know you are angry. I suspect that you are frightened, too,” Dr. Harrison said.  “Like I said, I am very aware of how ‘getting  in touch with your feelings’ is overused and seems like what you call ‘psychobabble.’ She looked at Danny with sincerity. “However, I believe strongly in the exercise. If you think about this past weekend, do you really think you didn’t learn anything? Was it really a waste of your time?”

 

Danny’s face softened along with his voice. “I guess not.” Danny folded in on himself as Steve grasped his hand tighter. “Sorry for my outburst.”

 

“It’s alright, Danny,” Dr. Harrison replied. “When I give you homework, it isn’t an assignment that I check off, read and grade,” she explained. “It’s because I strongly believe it to be beneficial – a way to compliment what we discuss here.”

 

Giving Danny a reprieve, she looked at Steve. “Steve, what came up for you this weekend?”

Steve bit on his thumbnail before answering. “After leaving your office, Danny asked me to take him home. He needed some space to write on this assignment. He tried to assure me that he was no longer mad at me. He needed to be alone for this.”

 

“What were your thoughts about that?”

 

“I was scared that we were done. That it was over. I’d lost my best friend, my brother and someone I had fallen in love with. The only person who has ever stuck around and really been there for me. He was planning to leave me when I dropped him off. The last thing I wanted to do was go home alone and face writing about my feelings.”

 

“Must have been a challenge for you to start writing with Danny’s unexpected action,” Dr. Harrison said. She saw Steve’s expression turn sad and Danny squeezed his hand and put his other arm around his shoulder.

 

“Yeah, it was. When I sat down and settled in, the first person I wrote about was Danny. How grateful I was that he was my partner and always had my back. I was grateful that our work relationship had turned into a friendship. My feelings for him had gone from friendship to love when Danny shared Grace with me. After all, Grace was the most important person in his life and his most valuable treasure that he had shared with no one until me. When Danny brought Grace to my house, it warmed my heart that we felt like a family.” Steve paused to look at Danny for a moment with love in his eyes.

 

Steve turned to Dr. Harrison and stopped for a moment and proceeded slowly and cautiously.”It was then that I made the connection between Danny sharing Grace with me and my error in leaving her alone. I had broken his trust in me. It was with my thoughts of guilt and fear that I went to bed that night. I was plagued with a series of horrifying nightmares each featuring Danny blaming me for leaving Grace before dying in gruesome ways – lying dead on top of a mound of dead bodies in a war zone.  The nightmares were so real that I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night and called Rachel, Danny’s ex-wife, to make sure Grace was okay then tried to contact Danny. When I couldn’t reach him, I went by his apartment and then to my house where I found him, hugged and held him tight before having him go upstairs to my bedroom so we could hold on to each other while talking about my nightmares.” Steve shivered before looking to Danny.

 

“Sounds like a lot happened on Friday,” Dr. Harrison said. She then turned to Danny and asked, “How did things go for you?”

 

Danny looked at Steve’s face before answering. “My experiences were very similar to Steve’s. When I sat down to write, I contemplated the importance and symbolism of Steve’s Marquis and how it represented the last of Steve’s memories of his father. More importantly, the car represented the rare happy moments that Steve shared with his father.”

 

“What do you feel contributed to the breakdown of your friendship,” Dr. Harrison asked Danny.

 

“It wasn’t just the situation with Gracie. I think that was the last straw. I think it was building for some time,” Danny replied anxiously as he looked at Steve’s face. His calm attentiveness gave way to panic and a little shock.

 

“Danny, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you talk to me.? Until now, I figured things were traumatic and devastating for you, but I didn’t think any of it was directed at me,” Steve said painfully. His voice quivered and he looked hurt and surprised.

 

Danny continued, speaking quietly and anxiously. He turned to look at Dr. Harrison unable to look at Steve’s reaction any longer. “I didn’t mean to hold things back or hide anything from Steve, but so many incidences happened so quickly and in succession over the past year. Steve was alongside of me during that time. It seemed that both of us were thrown on to an emotional roller coaster, but we weren’t riding in the same car. We were on opposite ends.”

 

Danny glanced up to see Steve tilting his head to the side, squishing his eyebrows together with his lips in a tight line. Danny knew he had thrown Steve for a loop. They were good in the here and now with the revelations they learned this past weekend. He didn’t expect that she’d mention things from the past. Danny thought they were done with the past. Then he realized how much had happened since they last saw her.

 

Steve interrupted defensively. “Hey! I was there for you. I stuck by you. I saved you in that building collapse and admitted that I love you. I was there when you brought home the money that Matt buried and discovered the five million dollars missing. I went to Columbia to support you both with the money and facing Reyes. I supported you when you found out that Matt was brutally murdered and watched you kill Reyes. I offered to go with you to New Jersey when you took him back home. The Ohana and I cleared your name and got you out of jail in Columbia. I took you right to Grace when we got back. Does none of that matter?!” Steve looked Danny directly in the eye, staring him down with his anger.

 

“Steve,” Danny continued to look right at him and answered him pleadingly. “Of course, it all matters. I wouldn’t be alive today if you hadn’t done all those things. I’m so damn grateful that you saved me in each of those times. You never left my side. It’s just that you couldn’t be on the same page with me emotionally. I know I couldn’t expect you to be. I went from admitting I love you and hoping we had a chance with each other to the fiasco with Catherine, your on again off again ‘friend with benefits’ and ‘not your girlfriend.’ I watched you take off to Afghanistan to help her just like you did for Jenna to South Korea. I was afraid you wouldn’t come back. I was scared and angry. Not to mention that I was confused and hurt that Catherine was important enough to risk your life for and live with you.  It was then that I gave up hope that we’d ever be together and began to drift off. Matt’s death devastated me. Taking him home to Jersey, unable to tell my family the whole truth behind his demise left me feeling depressed and desperate. Yeah, you offered to go with me to Jersey, I appreciated your offer, but by then I was alone in the pain and your mind seemed to be elsewhere until now.”

 

Steve rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. “I didn’t realize. I didn’t know,” he mumbled through his fingers. 

 

Danny felt his heart break. He himself didn’t realize how much he hadn’t worked through. _'What have I done? Have I just ruined everything we’ve worked through this past weekend? Will our relationship be over just as it started? Is Steve going to forgive me instead of leaving and shutting me out,”_ he questioned in his mind.

 

Danny looked up at Dr. Harrison. “Hey, Doc. Can we have a moment?” She nodded and quietly left the room.

 

Once she left, Danny stood up and turned to face Steve who still had his head in his hands. He grabbed Steve’s shoulders gently then lightly ran his hand down Steve’s arms until he reached his hands. “Come on, Babe. Look at me. Please,” Danny begged, pulling at each of Steve’s hands to move them out of the way. He took both his hands and put them under Steve’s chin before left his face to look at his. Steve lifted his pale, tear stained face. His eyes showed that same desperate look that Danny saw when Steve had opened the door the other night – wide eyed, scared, vulnerable and needy.

 

“Oh, Babe. Sorry I dredged up our recent past. I hate to hurt you. It’s just that everything that happened in the last year was so overwhelming that it had me overflowing with feelings so deep and depressed that I didn’t know how to deal with them. I just kept trying to plug along. Survive each day.” Danny held Steve’s hands and pulled him up. He placed his hands on Steve’s shoulders, reaching up to continue to talk.

 

“When we did this fucking homework assignment these past few days, we took a peek at some of our demons, acknowledged them, empathized with each other and recognized that we have a lot to be grateful for, especially grateful for each other. All that shit I talked about just now and the incident with Gracie and your car brought us to where we are today. In the here and now, we are happy and we truly love each other in every sense of the word.”

 

Danny reached up and curled one hand around the back of Steve’s neck and one on his back squeezing him tightly in a hug. He felt Steve blow out a breath and relax in his arms. Danny ran a hand up and down his back. 

 

Steve reached down to kiss Danny; his lips warm, soft and gentle. He deepened the kiss by gently sticking his tongue into Danny’s mouth for a quick moment before letting go. “Should we let Doc come back into her office?” Steve smirked and Danny nodded.

 

Steve turned the doorknob to find Dr. Harrison reading a “People” magazine in the waiting area. Poking his head out, Steve calls, “The coast is clear. You can come back now.” Steve gives her a shy smirk as she returns to her office.

 

It was clear that Danny’s words opened up the floodgates for both of them. They looked emotionally exhausted, but peaceful and content. “Well seeing as you look exhausted, I have one last question. Steve and Danny winced in unison. Dr. Harrison asked, “What was the conclusion or understanding you came to while I was in my waiting area?”

 

Steve looked at Danny. Danny nodded back, signaling that it was Steve’s turn to talk. “Well, we concluded that everything that happened in the past year, including the situation with Grace and the Marquis, brought us to where we are today. Today, right here and right now, we are happy, content and grateful for each other and the Ohana in our lives. In addition, we finally got off the roller coaster and admitted that we truly love each other in every sense of the word.”

 

“Alright. It seems like we are at the end of our session,” Dr. Harrison said. “Let’s follow up in a couple of weeks to see how things are going before I let you go again. Steve and Danny look at her with a smirk. “Thanks, Doc, for everything. We’ll see you again.”

 

THE END


End file.
